I had all of these thoughts churning in my head today, that I wanted to write about. I didn’t immediately write them down, though, and I forgot quite a lot of what I was going to say.
I had one small moment free of having ED thoughts or thinking about anything like that in general today. It was both beautiful and sickening, to me, knowing that out of 24 hours of the day, I had maybe 60 minutes totally free. What could I accomplish if I were totally free, what wild and beautiful thoughts would tickle the insides of my mind? And what can I do to achieve this? I’m in recovery from my eating disorder. I take all my insulin. So why do the thoughts torture me constantly? Am I doing something wrong that the thoughts haven’t gone away yet?
It was lovely, though, because I was in Bible Study when I had the moment of freedom. I can only surmise that it was God’s grace that let me have that taste of freedom. It’s a Beth Moore study- I know she has one called “Breaking Free” that I really wish my church would do because there is nothing I want more than to break free from the chains of my addiction. EVERYONE has a stronghold that they wish to escape from, so it would be relevant I think. My addiction to self harm and my eating disorder have kept me shackled for at least 8 years now, almost half my life. I want to to BE FREE.