Regaining My Dreams

Ask me things please….? I won’t be mean I promise. 

Discharge Date

So I’m going to be discharging from treatment officially June 21st. I hope I can make it, y’all. I’m really quite frightened. There are so many bad things I could go back to doing. And I fear my depression will worsen so much.

But I need to move on. Maybe not from ALL treatment, I mean I will for sure continue doing individual sessions with my therapist from La Paz, but it just might be time to think about going back to school…

I’m so scared. My life has been on hold for basically 2 years now- the first time I was hospitalized in the psych unit and began this journey of treatment for my eating disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety, self-harm, and panic disorder. So much has changed- and so much has stayed the same. Time is confusing when you have mental illness. The same guidelines don’t seem to apply to you as to everyone else. You sleep at weird times, often do college very fast or very slow, take breaks from “real” life to be hospitalized…

I hope I can make something of myself. I’m tired of being sick and disappointed of and in myself. 

I’m living in hell. TW Body Hate (this is ridiculous making a TW for an eating disordered person posting about not liking their body. um…oh well. Just to be safe I guess.)

I have NEVER hated my body more than I hate it right now. It is the most repulsive, disgusting, fat-ridden, nasty, hideous piece of SHIT I have ever seen in my life.

Recovery for the win you guyzz!!!!!11 Itz like sooo awsum an fuuuuun!!!111

At least I’m taking my insulin, right? That cancels out everything else, right?

No. No, not really. Not right now. Right now I want to take the sharpest knife I can find and cut all the fat off my stomach. I NEVER had fat on my stomach/back/upper body before. 

I hate myself. I hate my body. I would say “I don’t want to do this anymore” but restricting my insulin doesn’t even make me lose weight anymore so I just have to live like this unless I can restrict and exercise it all off which stupid fucking depression and diabetes early complications and infections and SEROQUEL make impossible. I hate this I hate this I hate myself I hate my body I hate it all so much. I never would have been this fat if I hadn’t started omitting insulin.

PSA, kiddies and adults alike: If you’re like me, you may lose to start with, but then it won’t work anymore and you’ll still try to omit because it’s what you know but it won’t work so you won’t lose weight which you probably didn’t even need to in the first place, and you WILL be thirsty, peeing constantly, have infections on ANY wounds you get, have painful hands and feet, continuous yeast infections and UTI’s, itchy skin, hair falling out, bloating, pain in your chest, unable to walk any distance, blurry vision, unable to concentrate, depressed as hell, headaches, ketones, rapid breathing, heart problems, dehydration…and these are all the SHORT TERM affects I am feeling. 

I hate myself for starting this. I hate my body for having type 1 diabetes. I  hate the body I’m in. And I hate myself for being in recovery and being so negative and filled with hate for myself.

Crying. Can’t stop. 

TW maybe?

Y’all. My ED thoughts are sooooo strong now. Like almost unbelievably so. 

I want to restrict so badly and make a plan to  lose xx amount of weight by a certain time and go back to my lists of intakes and my thinspo and my specific amount of exercise to do each day and daily weigh-ins and punishments for infractions and rules and….

everything that is the opposite of freedom. 

The weird thing is that since I have bipolar it’s like I have rapid-cycling ED thoughts. That is hard to handle. 

Please help distract me?

Sad Times at Amy’s Room

Bye bye followers…don’t know why you went but hope I didn’t offend you…

I feel like crying. Probably because I have not taken my Seroquel yet. 

Also my Ask Buddy has disappeared :( Is it because I didn’t ask YOU any questions? I tried, I did, but there were too many gray faces and I didn’t know which one was YOU. Is it because I’m ugly? Oh dear :( I’m serious about that one, actually. 

I’ve been exercising. It doesn’t seem to make me feel better like all the doctors and everyone I talked to claimed, that all the endorphins would magically swoop in and change my brain! I just feel the same way I did when I exercised before…fat. And like I’m punishing myself for that fact. 

Also I….TW

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Today was a lot better than yesterday! I just feel a lot better! I’m not manic or anything I don’t believe, but I did do all my laundry, fold and hang up all my clothes, vacuum my room, vacuum the upstairs, and organize all my jewelry, hairthings, and like lotion and bandaids and stuff like that. I feel like hashtagging this #selfharmprobs because I have a ton of bandaids and antibacterial cream and stuff like that in my room. Which is good but not good, I guess. 

So anyways my room smells really fresh and I managed to take a shower and all so really the only thing I need to tackle is the top of my closet which is quite a daunting prospect. It’s where I have all of the stuff that I don’t want to throw away just yet but I don’t know what to do with it really. Like all my inspirational posters and my fairy and princess stuff and old purses and what have you. 

Also I need to eat because I had like a tiny yogurt at 7 am and burritos at  2 pm and now its 11:15 pm. sooo yeah I need to eat. Even if I’m fat. People of all sizes need energy and nutrients. It’s not like you only deserve that stuff if you’re skinny. I must keep reminding myself of this !(Tool reference ftw!) 

We are showing our house tomorrow and that’s why I was inspired to clean. 

Gosh I’m scattered. I’ll end the torture now :p

Oh yeah my blood sugars are better today! 

Okay going now fo real. 

<3 Amy

HEY HEY YOU YOU

Hello friends and foes!

Just kidding about the foes, I don’t think I’ve any foes on here, I surely do hope not!

Feeling kinda relaxed from my bedtime cocktail of Ativan, Trileptal, Gabapentin, and Effexor…soon (in 40 minutes, to be precise) joined by 150 Seroquel…then I’ll be feelin’ REAL relaxed.

Aren’t you jealous of all my mental illnesses? If you were completely crazy cuckoo like me you might get to be medicated like me!

…. and yet still cry and feel a deep sense of sadness as though I am drowning each and every night in addition to the anxiety and self-hatred that haunts my every waking minute the rest of the time!

Oh, what a lighthearted post this has turned out to be. But hey, this is the Amy you know and love, right? Okay, love is pushing it. 

Fill up my ask pleeease ask any questions about what it’s like to be crazy, in a psych ward, inpatient…or just what my favorite color is or why I like Hello Kitty so much. That works too.

PLEASE loverly followers I beg of thee with all the kindness lying within your heart. 

So I have treatment for 3 more days. If that- basically all of the staff is gone; quit because La Paz ran out of money and I don’t think they were able to give them their last paycheck. NOT very responsible of the administrator.

So it should be the administrator, Elisa, my therapist (yay :)) and I think 1 intern. I just hope that I get a call in the morning that we aren’t having it after all, although that would not surprise me. 

I’m not sure what I hope to get accomplished in the next 3 days…venting? Closure, I hope?

I can tell my mom is glad, she is tired of me being in treatment, thinks I should just get on with it…which isn’t easy. I’m not trying to be obnoxious, but I AM struggling with Type 1 diabetes, a very dangerous eating disorder, an 11 year addiction to self-harm, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and trauma…it’s not easy to just get on with it. 

The sadness I feel is….mind-numbing and yet sends waves of pain throughout my body. 

Ask me things? Please?

TW

The torture that is trying on dresses for church tomorrow…

And most of them not fitting anymore. 

This weight gain is too much, I feel like I have to get off of Seroquel or something because I don’t even see how I can STILL be gaining. It’s not healthy. 

I have to fight through this. I have no other choice.