I was totally out of it earlier today like super sedated. It was weird. I kept nodding on the way over to treatment/at treatment.
My best fraaan is sleeping over tonight and I love it because we don’t even have to talk, just hang out quietly together reading, tumbling, coloring, etc.
So I feel pretty good right now emotionally. Let’s hope it lasts.
xoxo Amy
I don’t feel so great anymore :(
Do y’all wanna see some things I’ve written throughout my life? Prose probably, maybe some poetry.
Maybe even a journal entry from the day I graduated from high school .
Treatment was cancelled today…and for the foreseeable future?
I won’t be surprised either way, if it gets reinstated or not. I have to learn to deal without La Paz because it isn’t reliable. I DO need to schedule an appointment with my old therapist if I can because it’s been over 2 weeks without individual therapy and I’m way overly emotional.
Driving to McAllen this morning and then finding out that it was cancelled though…not impressed. Although that was my own fault, they called last night but I didn’t even look at my phone until this morning when no one showed up and then saw the voicemail.
Um so talk to me…I feel kind of sad for pretty much no reason.
I do have a psych appointment tomorrow though so I’m going to try to get all my meds jacked up because I’m tired of being depressed all day e’rr day.
<3
I’m sorry if I sound defensive/aggressive in response to asks, I’m just blindsided, it feels as though I’m being attacked on all sides even though I know that my perception is incorrect.
Today was a lot better than yesterday! I just feel a lot better! I’m not manic or anything I don’t believe, but I did do all my laundry, fold and hang up all my clothes, vacuum my room, vacuum the upstairs, and organize all my jewelry, hairthings, and like lotion and bandaids and stuff like that. I feel like hashtagging this #selfharmprobs because I have a ton of bandaids and antibacterial cream and stuff like that in my room. Which is good but not good, I guess.
So anyways my room smells really fresh and I managed to take a shower and all so really the only thing I need to tackle is the top of my closet which is quite a daunting prospect. It’s where I have all of the stuff that I don’t want to throw away just yet but I don’t know what to do with it really. Like all my inspirational posters and my fairy and princess stuff and old purses and what have you.
Also I need to eat because I had like a tiny yogurt at 7 am and burritos at 2 pm and now its 11:15 pm. sooo yeah I need to eat. Even if I’m fat. People of all sizes need energy and nutrients. It’s not like you only deserve that stuff if you’re skinny. I must keep reminding myself of this !(Tool reference ftw!)
We are showing our house tomorrow and that’s why I was inspired to clean.
Gosh I’m scattered. I’ll end the torture now :p
Oh yeah my blood sugars are better today!
Okay going now fo real.
<3 Amy
Issuing a call for more asks!!!
I know, I’m so demanding. It’s really the only writing I’ve been able to get in lately and since I’m meant to be writing a book, that’s pretty sad…although it also makes me happy when I get them! I do journal for treatment for our “check-in” but it’s quite boring, really…mainly I write what I did the day before, how long my depression/crying lasted, did I self-harm, did I take my insulin, and like 2 goals for the day which are usually shockingly simple i.e. “My goals for today are to take a walk and work on getting my blood sugars down.”
I did take a walk, half a mile, which was actually good for me…I am SO unhealthy, I can’t stress how much I wish I had NEVER EVER EVER started with this eating disorder! But it’s not too late….my health is never going to be perfect, but I can definitely improve it.
I cried a lot during treatment today. I just feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for having these disorders and causing so many problems. I asked my therapist what the group leaders (interns and other therapists, mostly other therapists) report about me and she told me some of the things, like always needing to be right or correcting things or interrupting because I have to be right and although she did say that this was mostly a while ago, not recently, it still really hurt my feelings because I want to be perfect and I want everyone to like me and obviously that just doesn’t happen. And my therapist also said that my mom is just TIRED. Of dealing with all my stuff. Well, and all the other stuff going on in our lives now, but tired of me being sad and crying all the time. Of course, that made me feel even more guilty. In group I kind of mentioned that and one of my group members was like “Maybe you should give your family some time to themselves because it is tiring being around something with a disorder, and realize that it’s not all about you…” cue uncontrollable crying on my part because I literally spend ALL of my time in my room when I’m not at treatment. That group member had only been in group with me once before so he didn’t know that but my God! The guilt I feel every second of every day of my life is so intense! Constructive criticism is nice but the thing is that I ALREADY intensely scrutinize my flaws, so I don’t especially need other people to point them out constantly. That same group member, when I mentioned how fat I feel ( I wasn’t monopolizing, it’s just that there’s a small group of us and we have 4 hours of group therapy so we all talk a lot!) he was like “It’s what’s inside that counts” and “You don’t have to be skinny to be pretty.” which of course my ED took to mean, “You’re ugly and fat.”
Then I went and spoke to one of the social work interns that I really really like about how upset I was because I couldn’t be in group anymore, I was crying too much, and about how it makes me feel better to fantasize about suicide. I kind of spilled my guts to her. Don’t worry though, in case anyone does worry about me which I doubt kinda? I am not going to commit suicide. If I seriously genuinely had a plan that I knew I could execute, I would tell someone.
I’m glad that I could type all this out even if it was boring to read because it helped me to understand WHY I felt so bad during treatment this morning.
Now all I have to do is figure out my outfit for tomorrow (worst part of my day ugh), journal for tomorrow’s check-in, eat something, take my Ativan, Trileptal, Effexor, and Gabapentin, see if I can go with my mom to pick up my little sister just so that I can get out of the house, set out my coffee cup and Diet Dr. Pepper refill cup for tomorrow, take my Seroquel, and go to sleep. And hope that I don’t suddenly get immobilized by depression and crying somewhere in the midst of all this. Which is what usually happens.
Bless you if you read all of this!!! A thousand blessings! <3 Your friendly neighborhood crazy, Amy
Hello friends and foes!
Just kidding about the foes, I don’t think I’ve any foes on here, I surely do hope not!
Feeling kinda relaxed from my bedtime cocktail of Ativan, Trileptal, Gabapentin, and Effexor…soon (in 40 minutes, to be precise) joined by 150 Seroquel…then I’ll be feelin’ REAL relaxed.
Aren’t you jealous of all my mental illnesses? If you were completely crazy cuckoo like me you might get to be medicated like me!
…. and yet still cry and feel a deep sense of sadness as though I am drowning each and every night in addition to the anxiety and self-hatred that haunts my every waking minute the rest of the time!
Oh, what a lighthearted post this has turned out to be. But hey, this is the Amy you know and love, right? Okay, love is pushing it.
Fill up my ask pleeease ask any questions about what it’s like to be crazy, in a psych ward, inpatient…or just what my favorite color is or why I like Hello Kitty so much. That works too.
PLEASE loverly followers I beg of thee with all the kindness lying within your heart.
So I have treatment for 3 more days. If that- basically all of the staff is gone; quit because La Paz ran out of money and I don’t think they were able to give them their last paycheck. NOT very responsible of the administrator.
So it should be the administrator, Elisa, my therapist (yay :)) and I think 1 intern. I just hope that I get a call in the morning that we aren’t having it after all, although that would not surprise me.
I’m not sure what I hope to get accomplished in the next 3 days…venting? Closure, I hope?
I can tell my mom is glad, she is tired of me being in treatment, thinks I should just get on with it…which isn’t easy. I’m not trying to be obnoxious, but I AM struggling with Type 1 diabetes, a very dangerous eating disorder, an 11 year addiction to self-harm, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and trauma…it’s not easy to just get on with it.
The sadness I feel is….mind-numbing and yet sends waves of pain throughout my body.
Ask me things? Please?
I have to fight through this. I have no other choice.
My treatment center is going on hiatus because of financial issues with Medicaid. Last day is Friday.
Of PHP. Which I go to every day and am gone from 7 to 2. Just…not there anymore. When I’m already struggling I think more than I have since I even started there due to a bunch of things.
I can’t cope. I want to…do a lot of bad things to hurt myself. I am SO FAT. And so frail. Which sounds contradictory but it’s not.
:’
