Issuing a call for more asks!!!
I know, I’m so demanding. It’s really the only writing I’ve been able to get in lately and since I’m meant to be writing a book, that’s pretty sad…although it also makes me happy when I get them! I do journal for treatment for our “check-in” but it’s quite boring, really…mainly I write what I did the day before, how long my depression/crying lasted, did I self-harm, did I take my insulin, and like 2 goals for the day which are usually shockingly simple i.e. “My goals for today are to take a walk and work on getting my blood sugars down.”
I did take a walk, half a mile, which was actually good for me…I am SO unhealthy, I can’t stress how much I wish I had NEVER EVER EVER started with this eating disorder! But it’s not too late….my health is never going to be perfect, but I can definitely improve it.
I cried a lot during treatment today. I just feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for having these disorders and causing so many problems. I asked my therapist what the group leaders (interns and other therapists, mostly other therapists) report about me and she told me some of the things, like always needing to be right or correcting things or interrupting because I have to be right and although she did say that this was mostly a while ago, not recently, it still really hurt my feelings because I want to be perfect and I want everyone to like me and obviously that just doesn’t happen. And my therapist also said that my mom is just TIRED. Of dealing with all my stuff. Well, and all the other stuff going on in our lives now, but tired of me being sad and crying all the time. Of course, that made me feel even more guilty. In group I kind of mentioned that and one of my group members was like “Maybe you should give your family some time to themselves because it is tiring being around something with a disorder, and realize that it’s not all about you…” cue uncontrollable crying on my part because I literally spend ALL of my time in my room when I’m not at treatment. That group member had only been in group with me once before so he didn’t know that but my God! The guilt I feel every second of every day of my life is so intense! Constructive criticism is nice but the thing is that I ALREADY intensely scrutinize my flaws, so I don’t especially need other people to point them out constantly. That same group member, when I mentioned how fat I feel ( I wasn’t monopolizing, it’s just that there’s a small group of us and we have 4 hours of group therapy so we all talk a lot!) he was like “It’s what’s inside that counts” and “You don’t have to be skinny to be pretty.” which of course my ED took to mean, “You’re ugly and fat.”
Then I went and spoke to one of the social work interns that I really really like about how upset I was because I couldn’t be in group anymore, I was crying too much, and about how it makes me feel better to fantasize about suicide. I kind of spilled my guts to her. Don’t worry though, in case anyone does worry about me which I doubt kinda? I am not going to commit suicide. If I seriously genuinely had a plan that I knew I could execute, I would tell someone.
I’m glad that I could type all this out even if it was boring to read because it helped me to understand WHY I felt so bad during treatment this morning.
Now all I have to do is figure out my outfit for tomorrow (worst part of my day ugh), journal for tomorrow’s check-in, eat something, take my Ativan, Trileptal, Effexor, and Gabapentin, see if I can go with my mom to pick up my little sister just so that I can get out of the house, set out my coffee cup and Diet Dr. Pepper refill cup for tomorrow, take my Seroquel, and go to sleep. And hope that I don’t suddenly get immobilized by depression and crying somewhere in the midst of all this. Which is what usually happens.
Bless you if you read all of this!!! A thousand blessings! <3 Your friendly neighborhood crazy, Amy