Regaining My Dreams

Recovery

Recovery is…

Remember that nothing lasts forever

And I mean this in a good way. I was so depressed yesterday and then today after work I was  so so sad and defeated. I took a nap (and my meds) and woke up and I feel great now! I don’t really know why- maybe because I’ve had a normal amount of food today. I’m trying not to beat myself up over that. I could have been really triggered at work because a girl that works there who I don’t always get along with is much skinnier than me. We used to be kinda similar in size, although we are different body types and she’s just naturally teeny tiny and I’m really not. Anyways, I kind of just let it go and tried to tell myself ” Well, that’s the way her body is, and that’s fine because I know she eats whatever she wants, so good for her. My body is completely different, and that’s fine too.” And then I tried to notice other people who had more curvy shapes and looked great and think “We’re probably all at our healthy weight” because none of us are really on one side of the spectrum or the other. The girl that I was talking about isn’t bony at all, she is just really small. Our job is pretty active, and so I dunno, I just felt for a moment that everyone was okay, and I’m okay maybe even though I’m bigger than I used to be. A brief bit of clarity, if you will.,

I went for a walk with my 17 year old sister and I was being funny and she was like “Did you take your meds??” Bi-polar problems…because I’m in a depressed state most of the time she assumed I was being manic…I wasn’t, I just felt good! It was kind of funny, though. 

Stay strong guys and remember that even if you’re in the deepest dark shadow…it will lift. I promise. <3 Amy

Is It a Myth?

Last month, the Renfrew Center which treats eating disorders, and is featured in the documentary “Thin,” asked women to go without makeup on February 27th in order to “promote healthy body image, self esteem, and self acceptance.” I was disturbed when I heard about this campaign initially, but I was thinking about it more today and felt I had to write about this topic.

I can’t speak for everyone with eating disorders, but for me, my eating disorder is NOT all about appearance, and I know many women who would agree. The “Barefaced and Beautiful” campaign seems to me to promote the idea that eating disorders are shallow and based on vanity- which simply is not true. Going without makeup for a day certainly would not be a revolutionary concept for me.

In fact, let me be perhaps overly honest here. Many days I have a hard time summoning the energy to brush my teeth and hair, much less put on makeup or pick out a cute outfit. I still think I’m horrifically “fat” much of the time, but this does not translate to me thinking that I have to appear perfect in every way. And when I was in my eating disorder and 20 pounds lighter, the same was true. My mind was far too busy with calories and carbs and food and insulin and ketones and negativity for me to wrest away the time to try to look perfect.I get away with having my hair in a mess and wearing “different” clothing because I look really young and normal, I suppose. 

Don’t get me wrong; I love fashion and when I’m not depressed I try to make myself look pretty. In no way am I implying that an interest in fashion or makeup is stupid or shallow. But I simply don’t believe that’s what eating disorders are about. They’re much more complex. I never thought that being thin would make others like me better. I thought it would make me like  myself better. And that was not about appearances. It was-and is-about the negativity I feel about myself in every aspect. 

 Don’t try to tell me that eating disorders are all caused by the media and society and wearing too much makeup. I was in treatment with a woman who had been blind her entire life, and struggled very much with an eating disorder. Her eating disorder was just as real and disruptive to her life as anyone else’s. 

We are complex beings and when something as invasive and insidious as an eating disorder takes over our lives, it is a mistake to assume or imply that the cause is singular.I believe that we have to make changes to every bit of our lives in order to fully recover.

Over It Project pt. 2

Having this struggle with food and weight has affected me so much in the past and today. It led me to hate my body, to cut myself because my body wasn’t as thin as I wanted it to be. In the long run, I nearly lost my life by refusing to take my insulin even though I’m a type 1 diabetic. It created a dangerous obsession and addiction to certain ED behaviors. Even though I’m in recovery today, I still look at people differently because of my struggle. I hate to admit it, but almost every person I see is a comparison point for me “Am I thinner or fatter?” And most of the time, I think I’m fatter. I hate living my life like this. Imagine…every.single.person. On the internet. On tv. In movies. In magazines. Not to mention in real life! That takes up a lot of time thinking and comparing- in essence, an exercise in futility- that could be spent thinking grand and worthwhile thoughts. Or just fun ones! 

I’ve dealt with this struggle by self-harming, trying to kill myself, starving, binging, exercising excessively, not taking my insulin…in short, developing eating disorders. I have tried to recover many times but this go round I am fully committed. After almost 3 months in inpatient treatment at the end of 2011 and constant striving since then, I am in recovery. Now I try to deal with this struggle by writing about it, by running, by reading other people’s stories, by trying to help others, and trying to stay away from triggering situations. At the moment, my life is devoted to recovering. Because otherwise I will die, sooner rather than later. 

I really want to be okay with my body. I want to eat like a normal person, to eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full, and not have to think about it so freaking much. I want to not feel fat every single second of every day. I want to use my body for good things. I want my mental health to stop affecting my body so much.

What do I want to happen with my life? I want to be FREE! I want to have a job and have money to go to school and study subjects that I love. I want to volunteer and help others with the same things I have struggled with. I want to feel loved, independent of what my body looks like or others say about me. I want to be in productions and sing. I want more music and performing in my life

I think what I need right now is more support. Maybe a support group and some outpatient treatment where I can be honest with a professional or fellow sufferers who understand eating disorders. I need to be able to be honest and talk about my eating disorder and my urges to use symptoms. I need more therapy because my mind is not stable. But support. I think that’s what I need most. 

Recovery is…

Recovery is not a brick thrown in my face. Recovery is not an attack to be weathered and then forgotten. Recovery is not a storm in the endless waves of life that flings its weary travelers into the deep. Recovery is not a mystery that cannot be solved, meant to puzzle and confound its readers. Recovery is not a knife in the back, twisting and turning to inflict as much pain as it can. Recovery is not a hammer, smashing my dreams to forlorn pieces lying on the dirty ground

          Recovery is a road, a glorious journey revealed bit by bit. Recovery is the knowledge that God makes no mistakes. Recovery is the Creator picking me up and carrying me when I am too tired to walk. Recovery is the dawn, midday, sunset, the glimmer of the moon and stars, the assurance that light in some form is always in my sights if I look hard enough. Recovery is gently bandaging my wounded heart as it knits back together. Recovery is standing tall and shouting “I AM GOOD ENOUGH!” Recovery is the quiet and calm at the end of the day. It does not need to be filled with the frantic planning and pushing to fill a space that only Christ can heal.

            Recovery is a gift, one that not all have the courage, tenacity, or drive to accept. In this moment, I cautiously extend my hand to touch this beautiful gift that I have been offered. I may fight the gift at times, but if I hold it closely in my grasp, no matter how painful that may be, I will always have recovery with me. Hope can never again elude me, for the light will always glimmer, whether it be far away or close enough to touch.