Regaining My Dreams

It Only Makes Me That Much Stronger (from here on out)

I want to apologize for my self-defeating attitude last night…I was struggling, and I have been for quite some time- you may call it a relapse. But I’m back in the ring and ready to FIGHT! ED is not going to win and neither is my bipolar disorder, my diabetes, my anxiety, my sadness, self harm, people that want me to fail or just hate me, or anything else. I will NOT give up. Not ever. 

If someone wants me to fail, why should I comply? I’m noncompliant in everything else, at times! So to all the people, forces, and circumstances that disrespect, criticize, and hate me, I say: Your hatred is only making me stronger in my resolve to recover. 

Hey guys I keep adding to the list of ED books that I’ve read as I remember so if you want ideas on books to read keep checking back there if you’d like…or do you think I should make it a separate page? I’m really happy about all the notes although it’s sad that so many of us struggle with this!

Can you like/comment/ask if you want me to make a separate page for it and maybe even do reviews?

All Books I Have Read That Either Are About Someone With an ED or Have a Character in Them With ED (Possible TW I guess????)

This took me forever to compile haha and I am still missing a TON!!!

Read More

Right Then

I CAN do this. I don’t have to engage in self-defeating behavior no matter how sad I am! I will recovery from diabulimia/other ED stuff, and self-harm! 

God gives me more chances than I can even imagine, so who am I to limit myself and say that because I’ve messed up or sinned a lot, my chances are gone? NOT true. I can do this, and I will. No matter how freaking hard it is- and it is. 

And you can do it too, regardless of whether you believe in God or not, the possibilities for beauty and pain and FREEDOM in this world are endless! Don’t let your eating disorder or self injury or depression or bipolar disorder or whatever you are struggling with limit you. 

I refuse to be limited anymore. 

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

As most of you may or may not know, it’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. So I will be posting about recovery, awareness, and reblogging all sorts of things about eating disorders - helpful things, I hope!- so just a heads up for y’all. It’s a topic very near and dear to my heart and I think an important one in general so please don’t unfollow me because of this…but if you feel you need to, that’s your call of course!

I love y’all very much! <3 Amy

If You Could Only See

I am just SO SICK AND TIRED of that voice in my head telling me to cut, burn, scratch, bruise, hit, overdose, pull my hair out, restrict food, omit insulin, binge, overexercise, not take my medicine, jump out of the window, play on the yellow line, bash my head against a wall, seek out abusive relationships, all because I’m not good enough, because I’m not worth it, because I’m wrong, because I’m the worst there ever was….

Guess what? You’re wrong, Voice, wherever you come from and no matter how much your voice and your lies and your poison flow through my bloodstream. You’re wrong, and I’m telling you RIGHT NOW to get the hell out of my life, my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul. You’re not in charge of me anymore! 

Church Was Amazing Today

The post I wrote yesterday was extremely negative…I’m not going to apologize for sharing my feelings BUT I feel much better today and know that my future and who I am is in GOD’S hands, not mine. So therefore I am not wrong in essence, because I am the creation of Christ :)

Yes I eff up on a regular basis but that is NOT who I am. No matter what YOU believe, your mistakes do not define you, either. I want you to know that :)

<3 Amy 

Progress, at Last.

I have been making real, valid progress in treatment, finally. And you know what? It hurts like hell. Recovery is beautiful and exhilarating but it’s also painful. I am so used to using my self-destructive coping skills- and I have SO many- that it feels like I am crawling out of my skin to NOT use them. 

And it’s even harder because talking about traumas and issues in order to resolve them is so very hard but I have no choice because the guilt and pain have been eating me alive for years and years. For me, talking about it is the only way to release the feelings. That’s my work, and it’s unconscionably hard. But it’s the only way I can finally be free.

I have to learn to tell ED to shut up, tell the negative voices to go away, tell the nagging feeling that says that my only way to “deserve” to live is to hurt myself…to get out. I won’t believe the lies anymore, because that’s all they are, lies. 

And if God forgives me….I need to forgive myself. 

I wish the same hard work for you in your life even if it causes pain because it will ultimately hurt a lot less than the cutting, the burning, the starving, the purging, the insulin restriction, the obsessive thoughts, the substance abuse, the negative self-talk, the self-hatred, the suicidal ideation. We can be free. 

Hardcore Triggered/Triggering?

So yesterday in my PHP group -which is small, 6 members, and I’m the only one with an ED- Dennis, a man I have had trouble with being mean and rude to me, tries to “understand” my ED. After I’m done sharing, he says that “It’s no wonder that you think you’re fat if you compare yourself to your sister, I mean, she’s so thin and beautiful and has that long blonde hair and wears those Daisy Dukes…” Now mind you, I was not talking about my sister at all or comparing myself to her. I just said that I struggle with feeling fat and whatnot. Also my little sister that he was referring to; he’s seen her come into the building when they pick me up several times, is only 17. He’s like 54 and is being creepy by even mentioning that, but hey lets just insult me as much as possible by comparing me to my sisters that I already feel inferior to and confirm it. So that was fucking awful. 

And then today I’m reading the January issue of Cosmopolitian and they have an article about weight loss, which is of course triggering enough, but they mention SEVERAL times that insulin causes weight gain (not referring to diabetes but just insulin in the body in general) and that if you want to lose weight/maintain you should eat foods that will keep your insulin level as low as possible. As someone not yet recovered from diabulimia…that’s basically telling me that if I recover and do what I’m supposed to, I WILL get fat. I hate the author that so carelessly wrote that. I hate myself for getting triggered, although I think that would trigger anyone with diabetes, honestly. 

Is it any wonder, then, that I’ve only eaten one meal today and haven’t taken insulin? I’m going to eat, I’m going to take insulin, but this is all makes it THAT much harder. And it’s already really, really fucking hard.

Oh and I’m out of all my medications but one today. Whee!!! 

I was trying to collage as a coping skill but the magazine I was cutting from (Cosmo) and the scissors I was using proved to be far to triggering for me to handle any longer. 

So what do I do now? Can anyone offer me help or perspective? Or just random questions? Creepy questions? ANYTHING?????? Please I am begging you. 

Amy’s Manifesto

I blogged on rather a negative note yesterday. I was feeling powerless, I think, a lot due to a man in my treatment group who is blatantly mean to me, so I decided to write a little on my rights and how I shouldn’t ignore them- I DO have the power to choose to be treated better. By myself and everyone else. So here we go.

                                       Amy’s Manifesto

1. I have the right to feel what I feel.

2. I have the right to express my feelings in an appropriate manner.

3. If something or someone makes me feel uncomfortable, I have the right to speak up and/or remove myself from the situation.

4. I have the responsibility to not harm my body in any way whether I feel that I need to punish myself or not.

5. I have the right to feed my body good, tasty food-healthy and sometimes not so healthy.

6. I have the right to dress myself in comfortable clothing that I like, no matter what the size.

7. I deserve to fight for my happiness and joy in life, wherever I can find it. 

8. I have the right to be happy.

9. I have the right to dream and to do my best to follow my dreams, no matter how silly they may seem to someone else.

10. I have the right to be free of any sexual, physical, or verbal harassment. 

11. I have the responsibility to treat others with respect and to be treated with respect.

Please reblog and add to it with your own rights and responsibilities! If you do, I would love if you would tag it with regainingmydreams so I can see what you have to say :)

Much, much love! <3