Regaining My Dreams

Actually sobbing so hard and for so long that I gagged and almost puked. 

My family is…ignoring it?

Can’t stop crying. 

Who wants to cuddle wif me? I need a cuddle buddy really badly right now. 

I’m living in hell. TW Body Hate (this is ridiculous making a TW for an eating disordered person posting about not liking their body. um…oh well. Just to be safe I guess.)

I have NEVER hated my body more than I hate it right now. It is the most repulsive, disgusting, fat-ridden, nasty, hideous piece of SHIT I have ever seen in my life.

Recovery for the win you guyzz!!!!!11 Itz like sooo awsum an fuuuuun!!!111

At least I’m taking my insulin, right? That cancels out everything else, right?

No. No, not really. Not right now. Right now I want to take the sharpest knife I can find and cut all the fat off my stomach. I NEVER had fat on my stomach/back/upper body before. 

I hate myself. I hate my body. I would say “I don’t want to do this anymore” but restricting my insulin doesn’t even make me lose weight anymore so I just have to live like this unless I can restrict and exercise it all off which stupid fucking depression and diabetes early complications and infections and SEROQUEL make impossible. I hate this I hate this I hate myself I hate my body I hate it all so much. I never would have been this fat if I hadn’t started omitting insulin.

PSA, kiddies and adults alike: If you’re like me, you may lose to start with, but then it won’t work anymore and you’ll still try to omit because it’s what you know but it won’t work so you won’t lose weight which you probably didn’t even need to in the first place, and you WILL be thirsty, peeing constantly, have infections on ANY wounds you get, have painful hands and feet, continuous yeast infections and UTI’s, itchy skin, hair falling out, bloating, pain in your chest, unable to walk any distance, blurry vision, unable to concentrate, depressed as hell, headaches, ketones, rapid breathing, heart problems, dehydration…and these are all the SHORT TERM affects I am feeling. 

I hate myself for starting this. I hate my body for having type 1 diabetes. I  hate the body I’m in. And I hate myself for being in recovery and being so negative and filled with hate for myself.

Crying. Can’t stop. 

High School Graduation Journal Entry

I wrote this the evening after I graduated from high school….read more cos LONG! 

Read More

Treatment was cancelled today…and for the foreseeable future?

I won’t be surprised either way, if it gets reinstated or not. I have to learn to deal without La Paz because it isn’t reliable. I DO need to schedule an appointment with my old therapist if I can because it’s been over 2 weeks without individual therapy and I’m way overly emotional. 

Driving to McAllen this morning and then finding out that it was cancelled though…not impressed. Although that was my own fault, they called last night but I didn’t even look at my phone until this morning when no one showed up and then saw the voicemail.

Um so talk to me…I feel kind of sad for pretty much no reason. 

I do have a psych appointment tomorrow though so I’m going to try to get all my meds jacked up because I’m tired of being depressed all day e’rr day.

<3

I’m sorry if I sound defensive/aggressive in response to asks, I’m just blindsided, it feels as though I’m being attacked on all sides even though I know that my perception is incorrect. 

Pretty sad right now. Feel both large, fat, huge, ugly, conspicuous…

And invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and lost. 

Cool story, right?

Today managed to be even worse than the day prior. 

I told my mom that I was feeling suicidal and she told me that she didn’t have the time and energy to “do this” or to take me to the hospital or anything plus we couldn’t afford it anyways. So I backed down and said I was fine even though I was crying hysterically. My depression is really, REALLY bad. Worse than it’s ever been.

My mom also told me not to talk about my family during therapy because I probably paint myself as the victim and my siblings tell her that they don’t want me to talk about them in therapy.. Um. It’s therapy…family is a big part of my life…what am I supposed to do with that? She told me that my family does NOT need time off or a break from me, though. Since she knows that I spend every second I’m not in treatment, in my room. 

I know my mom is struggling right now, soooo much is going on and it’s hard to deal with me being sad and crying all the time and I guess apparently I argue with my siblings a lot too and always think I’m right. Which is how I would describe them? I know I do everything wrong.  But wow, I am REALLY hurt. 

If I actually admit to being suicidal to my mom, it does no good. I don’t know what to do with that, she’s my main support, what…what am I supposed to do? I’m safe tonight though, by the way, I guess I would call my best friend or Asha if I become suicidal tonight and that is the answer, I suppose. 

Hideous day. Hideous me. 

Update sorta- LONG. TW maybe.

Issuing a  call for more asks!!!

I know, I’m so demanding. It’s really the only writing I’ve been able to get in lately and since I’m meant to be writing a book, that’s pretty sad…although it also makes me happy when I get them! I do journal for treatment for our “check-in” but it’s quite boring, really…mainly I write what I did the day before, how long my depression/crying lasted, did I self-harm, did I take my insulin, and like 2 goals for the day which are usually shockingly simple i.e. “My goals for today are to take a walk and work on getting my blood sugars down.” 

I did take a walk, half a mile, which was actually good for me…I am SO unhealthy, I can’t stress how much I wish I had NEVER EVER EVER started with this eating disorder! But it’s not too late….my health is never going to be perfect, but I can definitely improve it. 

I cried a lot during treatment today. I just feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for having these disorders and causing so many problems. I asked my therapist what the group leaders (interns and other therapists, mostly other therapists) report about me and she told me some of the things, like always needing to be right or correcting things or  interrupting because I have to be right and although she did say that this was mostly a while ago, not recently, it still really hurt my feelings because I want to be perfect and I want everyone to like me and obviously that just doesn’t happen. And my therapist also said that my mom is just TIRED. Of dealing with all my stuff. Well, and all the other stuff going on in our lives now, but tired of me being sad and crying all the time. Of course, that made me feel even more guilty. In group I kind of mentioned that and one of my group members was like “Maybe you should give your family some time to themselves because it is tiring being around something with a disorder, and realize that it’s not all about you…” cue uncontrollable crying on my part because I literally spend ALL of my time in my room when I’m not at treatment. That group member had only been in group with me once before so he didn’t know that but my God! The guilt I feel every second of every day of my life is so intense! Constructive criticism is nice but the thing is that I ALREADY intensely scrutinize my flaws, so I don’t especially need other people to point them out constantly. That same group member, when I mentioned how fat I feel ( I wasn’t monopolizing, it’s just that there’s a small group of us and we have 4 hours of group therapy so we all talk a lot!) he was like “It’s what’s inside that counts” and “You don’t have to be skinny to be pretty.” which of course my ED took to mean, “You’re ugly and fat.”

Then I went and spoke to one of the social work interns that I really really like about how upset I was because I couldn’t be in group anymore, I was crying too much, and about how it makes me feel better to fantasize about suicide. I kind of spilled my guts to her. Don’t worry though, in case anyone does worry about me which I doubt kinda? I am not going to commit suicide. If I seriously genuinely had a plan that I knew I could execute, I would tell someone. 

I’m glad that I could type all this out even if it was boring to read because it helped me to understand WHY I felt so bad during treatment this morning. 

Now all I have to do is figure out my outfit for tomorrow (worst part of my day ugh), journal for tomorrow’s check-in, eat something, take my Ativan, Trileptal, Effexor, and Gabapentin, see if I can go with my mom to pick up my little sister just so that I can get out of the house, set out my coffee cup and Diet Dr. Pepper refill cup for tomorrow, take my Seroquel, and go to sleep. And hope that I don’t suddenly get immobilized by depression and crying somewhere in the midst of all this. Which is what usually happens. 

Bless you if you read all of this!!! A thousand blessings! <3 Your friendly neighborhood crazy, Amy

HEY HEY YOU YOU

Hello friends and foes!

Just kidding about the foes, I don’t think I’ve any foes on here, I surely do hope not!

Feeling kinda relaxed from my bedtime cocktail of Ativan, Trileptal, Gabapentin, and Effexor…soon (in 40 minutes, to be precise) joined by 150 Seroquel…then I’ll be feelin’ REAL relaxed.

Aren’t you jealous of all my mental illnesses? If you were completely crazy cuckoo like me you might get to be medicated like me!

…. and yet still cry and feel a deep sense of sadness as though I am drowning each and every night in addition to the anxiety and self-hatred that haunts my every waking minute the rest of the time!

Oh, what a lighthearted post this has turned out to be. But hey, this is the Amy you know and love, right? Okay, love is pushing it. 

Fill up my ask pleeease ask any questions about what it’s like to be crazy, in a psych ward, inpatient…or just what my favorite color is or why I like Hello Kitty so much. That works too.

PLEASE loverly followers I beg of thee with all the kindness lying within your heart.