Regaining My Dreams

HEY HEY YOU YOU

Hello friends and foes!

Just kidding about the foes, I don’t think I’ve any foes on here, I surely do hope not!

Feeling kinda relaxed from my bedtime cocktail of Ativan, Trileptal, Gabapentin, and Effexor…soon (in 40 minutes, to be precise) joined by 150 Seroquel…then I’ll be feelin’ REAL relaxed.

Aren’t you jealous of all my mental illnesses? If you were completely crazy cuckoo like me you might get to be medicated like me!

…. and yet still cry and feel a deep sense of sadness as though I am drowning each and every night in addition to the anxiety and self-hatred that haunts my every waking minute the rest of the time!

Oh, what a lighthearted post this has turned out to be. But hey, this is the Amy you know and love, right? Okay, love is pushing it. 

Fill up my ask pleeease ask any questions about what it’s like to be crazy, in a psych ward, inpatient…or just what my favorite color is or why I like Hello Kitty so much. That works too.

PLEASE loverly followers I beg of thee with all the kindness lying within your heart. 

So I have treatment for 3 more days. If that- basically all of the staff is gone; quit because La Paz ran out of money and I don’t think they were able to give them their last paycheck. NOT very responsible of the administrator.

So it should be the administrator, Elisa, my therapist (yay :)) and I think 1 intern. I just hope that I get a call in the morning that we aren’t having it after all, although that would not surprise me. 

I’m not sure what I hope to get accomplished in the next 3 days…venting? Closure, I hope?

I can tell my mom is glad, she is tired of me being in treatment, thinks I should just get on with it…which isn’t easy. I’m not trying to be obnoxious, but I AM struggling with Type 1 diabetes, a very dangerous eating disorder, an 11 year addiction to self-harm, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and trauma…it’s not easy to just get on with it. 

The sadness I feel is….mind-numbing and yet sends waves of pain throughout my body. 

Ask me things? Please?

Wee Update

Guess I will do a bit of an update as I suppose I haven’t in a while. 

Still haven’t sold our house which is majorly stressing me out which in turn makes me feel anxious. Well, and it makes the financial situation very tenuous. I help my parents out with money but I only have the 500 I get from disability each month and with my diabetes supplies and all the other  medication I take…it’s really tough and makes me very depressed. I wish I didn’t get depressed over money because you know, I don’t need nice things, I don’t need a smartphone or an iPad or a car or nice clothes…I just want not to be afraid.

My ED is still winning a lot of the time. In terms of insulin, mainly. That causes a lot of infections in my body and it’s just not good. 

Self-harm…it wins too but I don’t actually cut so that’s good I suppose. The urges are tremendous. They really are. 

Isolation….yes. I isolate myself quite a lot of the time. 

My dad’s in town for a few days from Baton Rouge! I’m glad especially for him because he is so lonely there :(

I watched a fantastic Dakota Fanning movie called “Hounddog” it was heartbreaking but amazing. I would definitely recommend it but be careful as it can be quite triggering for rape and abuse.

That’s aboot (said in a Canadian accent, don’tcha know?) all for now. 

Update 4/22/13

Today was okay to start with- I had therapy and that went well. I talked about sex lol and my hangups about it and I feel less, I don’t know, guilty now. Haha, awks thing to post, right? ANYWAYS. 

My blood sugar has been better today. I made yet an other plan or resolution or whatever to keep it from like 350-300 ( I don’t know why I’m doing it backwards like that!) this week. I hope that I can stick to it for the most part. I already messed up but I didn’t do it on purpose so I’m going to check my bg before I go to sleep and see where it is.

I feel sad because I feel like my family doesn’t like me and isn’t proud of me. I brag on my siblings all the time but I know for an absolute fact that they don’t do the same for me. My mom made that clear in a conversation tonight. I agree that I suck and have made a lot of poor decisions but it breaks my heart that at least in my perception my family doesn’t have my back. It really does. Of course I hate myself when my own family hates me. 

I’m applying for Medicaid but I need help, I’m not sure about some of these questions! 

My ED and self-harm are still fighting to take control of my life and so things are pretty hard still. Well also my bipolar. Maybe my bipolar more than anything…maybe it is what is causing the problems? I don’t know.

Love you all. <3 if you would ask me questions it would cheer this sad, lonely, lost girl up! 

Update 4/21/13 TW for behaviors

I’ll be honest: I’m not doing well. I have been restricting insulin more than usual and it’s not good. I know I’m not losing weight from it…so why the fuck am I doing it? I don’t understand why my psyche works this way. How can I KNOW that restricting my insulin doesn’t cause real weight loss anymore, just edema and swelling when I DO increase my insulin…and yet when I try to press that Bolus button on my pump, my will falters and my hand shakes and if I DO bolus, it’s less than I should. What am I gaining from this? I guess it’s a form of self-destruction.

I can’t even tell my therapist because she will possibly kick me out of treatment and if that happens…I can’t imagine what will happen. I NEED support. 

My money issues are worsening. I get a disability check every month but I am giving more than half of it to my parents, then all my diabetes supplies, then all my psych meds…it all equals up to MORE than I’m getting. And that doesn’t count my necessities like food and such. So we’re diminishing what I had saved, all the time. But my parents HAVE to use my money to pay for my dads living expenses in Baton Rouge. I can’t see how I can fix this problem. 

And when you’re so deeply depressed the way that I am…as well as sick…you don’t have the energy or the motivation to problem solve because everything is SO HARD. And when I get to Baton Rouge I won’t be able to afford treatment but I won’t be able to afford NOT TO or I will veeeery likely end up in the hospital.

At this point I am really wishing that I could do inpatient. I’m so sick and sad and mentally unstable and I can’t seem to get back on track no matter how I try. I wish that my family were more supportive. They dismiss my ED and my bipolar and anxiety all the time or act like I could make it go away if I just tried. I AM trying, so hard, and yet…these disorders are like leeches. They stick to me until they suck all the blood out of me; that’s how it feels. 

Sorry for the depressing update but yeah that’s where I am right now. Hopefully I can get in a better state tomorrow when the treatment week starts. 

love, love, love <3 amy

TW?

So having my blood sugar high for the past few days I THINK has caused some weight loss- the pajama shorts I am wearing are HUGE on me. It’s an intoxicating feeling- makes my ED more than a little happy. Of course I probably haven’t lost weight but…hoping. 

Also, I’m watching LOL and it’s kind of dumb but the girls are all pretty skinny and blegh triggering. 

Erm.

I feel really unwell. I accidentally ordered the wrong size of reservoirs for my insulin pump and didn’t realize it until when I needed the new box. So I had to go back to shots for a bit and I am apparently really bad at that. My blood sugar was HI earlier and I took some Novolog but I still feel really sick- trouble walking, chest hurting, and massive thirst, mouth completely dry. Now I feel kind of nauseous and am reaaalllly hot. It’s weird. I haven’t had a blood sugar that high in a very long time. Over 600. 

Not only is it painful and I feel very sick, but it’s also extremely triggering. Arrrggh body why you do this to me. 

I don’t know why it’s so important for me to have followers. 

I guess I’m insecure and crave affection and affirmation.

To be transparently honest.

Right now I’m tired and sad and my Seroquel

Has not yet been ingested

Nor has a meal since lunch. 

And I can’t use my pump because I accidentally ordered the wrong size reservoirs. 

Terribly sad. 

But not relapsing. 

Wish I had someone to talk to, mainly. 

Recovery = Winning!!!!

My blood sugar is 118 right now, or 6.5 to pretty much anyone other than Americans, I think…and I feel a little hypo, but I also feel PROUD AND HAPPY!!! HENCE THE CAPS! 

It Only Makes Me That Much Stronger (from here on out)

I want to apologize for my self-defeating attitude last night…I was struggling, and I have been for quite some time- you may call it a relapse. But I’m back in the ring and ready to FIGHT! ED is not going to win and neither is my bipolar disorder, my diabetes, my anxiety, my sadness, self harm, people that want me to fail or just hate me, or anything else. I will NOT give up. Not ever. 

If someone wants me to fail, why should I comply? I’m noncompliant in everything else, at times! So to all the people, forces, and circumstances that disrespect, criticize, and hate me, I say: Your hatred is only making me stronger in my resolve to recover.