Regaining My Dreams

Today was a lot better than yesterday! I just feel a lot better! I’m not manic or anything I don’t believe, but I did do all my laundry, fold and hang up all my clothes, vacuum my room, vacuum the upstairs, and organize all my jewelry, hairthings, and like lotion and bandaids and stuff like that. I feel like hashtagging this #selfharmprobs because I have a ton of bandaids and antibacterial cream and stuff like that in my room. Which is good but not good, I guess. 

So anyways my room smells really fresh and I managed to take a shower and all so really the only thing I need to tackle is the top of my closet which is quite a daunting prospect. It’s where I have all of the stuff that I don’t want to throw away just yet but I don’t know what to do with it really. Like all my inspirational posters and my fairy and princess stuff and old purses and what have you. 

Also I need to eat because I had like a tiny yogurt at 7 am and burritos at  2 pm and now its 11:15 pm. sooo yeah I need to eat. Even if I’m fat. People of all sizes need energy and nutrients. It’s not like you only deserve that stuff if you’re skinny. I must keep reminding myself of this !(Tool reference ftw!) 

We are showing our house tomorrow and that’s why I was inspired to clean. 

Gosh I’m scattered. I’ll end the torture now :p

Oh yeah my blood sugars are better today! 

Okay going now fo real. 

<3 Amy

TW

I don’t know how this happened and I don’t know my weight because I’m sure it is unbelievably large but objectively speaking…I know I am a few pounds overweight now.

I don’t even look like myself. I look like a bloated caricature of myself. And the hilarious thing is that my blood sugars are still high a LOT of the time but I just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Help? What do I do? I can’t live with this anymore. I just can’t. I have never been overweight in my life and now I am and I can’t stand myself. I saw a picture of myself today and I literally thought that I looked unrecognizably huge. I can’t stand this. I’m serious. I HAVE to lose weight. I have to. I’m not saying that I’m going to restrict insulin to do so, because that just isn’t working, but I have to somehow.

Holiday Blues

I shall try to write a constructive post tonight and also very relevant to me because I am sure feeling them! So here we go: 

                                               Holiday Blues

What are they? A type of depression that hits during the holidays due to familial problems, unmet expectations, loneliness, and for those of us with eating disorders…dealing with a very stressful food situation!

What are some positive thoughts I have about the holidays? Spending time with my family, actually being at home for Thanksgiving instead of the hospital like last year, God’s blessings on me, fun family traditions, getting to dress up (although that’s hard when you feel immense like I do :(

What are some negative thoughts I have about the holidays? Social anxiety, FOOD (my eating disorder goes crazy) feeling lonely because everyone else is having fun and I’m struggling like crazy, remembering that my dad got sick around this time (Thanksgiving) a few years ago and it was really scary, plus I feel guilty for not being nicer to him when he was close to dying, being a drag on everyone else. 

 What are some of your most memorable holidays? The first year that my best friend spent Thanksgiving with us - I was 13 and she 15- was awesome. We hung out in my room writing, we rode bikes, we went to see “Christmas With the Kranks” in the theater. All my holiday traditions were more fun with her there because she hadn’t done them with us before and it was like experiencing them anew and it was just amazing. I was NOT sad or suicidal at the end of that day so that was awesome. I owe so much to her. 

Also the year that my dad got sick with brain cancer, which was when I was 17. We didn’t know that he was sick yet on Thanksgiving- he collapsed 2 days later- but we knew something was very wrong and it was really sad and scary. 

Last year was interesting because it was my first Thanksgiving away from my family, I was at Melrose, and at first I thought it was going to be horrible but it turned out to be really fun- the few girls that weren’t on pass really made a little family out of each other and it was lovely. 

What is your plan to cope if the depression and anxiety grow very bad? I will try to take a break and take a nap in the afternoon after we eat, I will ask my brothers if they want to hang out and listen to music in order to sort of chill out and get away from the noise, take a walk, color or work on a crossword, write a letter to someone because I don’t think I can text or call anyone or support because they will be busy with their families, and if worst comes to worst, I will call the La Paz helpline and talk to someone. 

Hope this helps anyone else…we did something similar to this in therapy today and it made me feel a little better to have a plan, you know. 

Have to get up and sing in 3 services at church tomorrow and already took my sleepy medicine i.e. lovely Seroquel and all the rest so quick update.

- Babysat my niece and nephews in the morning while my sister and brother in law sold absolutely eeeverything they own.

-Took nap because I was exhausted from running around after the kiddo’s! Also I’m doing this weird thing where I don’t even come close to sleeping all night long and I wake up to find myself like in the recliner downstairs and so on and it’s weird. 

-Babysat some more.

-Went to a going away party for le sister and brother in law and kids.

-Am now about to go to bed!

-Also my other sister is moving TOMORROW. So by the time I get back from treatment on Monday everyone will be gone. Which will be sad but less hectic by far. 

Challenge: I was supposed to eat dinner at the party and I couldn’t. 

Victory: I went to the party at all even though it was hard!

I look fat but. Diabetes Awareness Month Day 10. Blue dress. 

I 

Intake

Breakfast: Fruit On the Bottom Greek yogurt, 1 pc. whole wheat toast w/ Olivio, small  cappuccino

A.M. Snack: Fruit & Grain Bar

Lunch: Salad w/ Ranch dressing and spaghetti with 3 meatballs ( I had this at treatment, it was SUPER SUPER HARD OMG I felt like crying)

Snack: Pineapple fruit cup, string cheese. 

Dinner: Whole wheat peanut butter sandwich, string cheese, 1/2 cup light yogurt, and a red bell pepper. 

I have a bread and a fat for HS Snack so I guess I’m going to have PB on a tortilla or something. I feel so full. But if I have the snack I plan on I will have gotten in all my tallies except 1 milk. If you count cappuccino as a dessert, which I do. My blood sugars have mainly been fantastic….so yeah I feel extra extra fat. But I did exercise tonight. Just to hopefully keep things on an even keel, you know?

Stay strong, loves…I know we can do this! 

Whoops….

I accidentally missed my Seroquel and Trileptal this afternoon…I feel kind of weird. But I had energy at work, which makes me tempted to skip the Seroquel more often. And also because it affects my appetite. I know I did that like a month ago though and I was absolutely miserable, miserable, miserable. So I need to NOT do it again. When I read books or watch movies or even in real life, and someone has a mental illness and they quit taking their medicine I’m like “Oh my gosh don’t do it, something bad is going to haaappeeen!!!” But yet when it’s myself I’m somewhat blind. 

I picked up another shift at work, so now I’ll be working like 10 hours a week. Yeeaahhh I’m hardcore! Ha, it’s better though. I’m getting back somewhat. 

My eating has been terrible today though. The tallies I’ve had have been:

Protein: 2 

Vegetable: 1

Fruit: 1

Bread: 2

Fat: 2

Basically all I ate was a granola bar and a salad with chicken on it. :/ It’s hard to eat when I feel so big though. At least I took all of my insulin. 

Stay strong guys! <3

A Day Is A Day; It Can Be Called Nothing Else

My stomach feels uncomfortably full. This sensation makes me feel very panicky and want to do something to “get rid of” the feeling. I won’t, though. I can sit with it. I had a larger snack than was wise tonight, but it doesn’t mean I’m a disgusting pig. It just means that I overestimated how hungry I was. People do things like that all the time. It doesn’t mean that I have to fast tomorrow or not take my insulin to make up for it. In fact, I will deliberately take the insulin I need as a big F-you to my eating disorder. It’s not in control. I am. 

So far today I have eaten:

Honey and oats bar

Bagel thin

Grilled chicken salad

Small roll

I need to try going back to tallies. My stomach hurts and I just don’t feel quite right. My eating disorder wants me to keep trying to eat as little as possible :(

Tomorrow is, of course, Easter! I’m singing in all 3 services at my church so that should be kind of tiring. I do love to sing though.

Easter is a beautiful time to remember that Christ not only died for humanity- for our sins, so that we can go to heaven when we die- but He rose back to life. He defeated death! His death and return to life allows us to live and die with purpose. He gives me hope. Because Jesus died and bled for me…I don’t need to hurt myself and bleed to punish myself…Christ already made that sacrifice for me. I believe it hurts Him to see me hurt myself when He already was wounded for me. Because he loved ME! 

:(

My intake isn’t great today.

Bran flakes-130

Milk-80

Honey and Oats Bar-190

Lowfat string cheese-50

1/2 cup cantaloupe- 30

 Lowfat Cheese slice- 60

Total: 550 calories

I feel like shit. I’m so depressed I can’t stand it. Therapy and talking about S. stirred up really bad feelings in me and I have no one to talk to now. I feel so alone. I can’t stop crying. I feel fat.  Help.

Tomorrow is going to be really hard. I’m going to the beach for my mom’s birthday. Bikini time…for the first time since I’ve been in recovery and gained weight. 

I meant to use my meal plan and follow tallies today but I failed miserably…My meal plan is supposed to be:

2 Protein

3 Milk

3 Fruit

2 Vegetable

7 Bread

4 Fat

1 Dessert

What I ACTUALLY had was:

1 1/2 Protein

2 Milk

1 Fruit

1 Vegetable

2 Bread

2 Fat

0 Dessert

The food I ate was: 

Bran flakes with milk

Light yogurt

Roll w/ butter

Grilled chicken salad w/ cucumber dressing

Probably around 1000 calories in total? I don’t know. I feel weak and tired but yet when I look at my list it seems like a ton. But I mean the milk was nonfat, the yogurt was only 80 calories, and      the salad had the lightest dressing possible and just a lot of veggies and the bit of chicken, not a bunch of added things. I don’t know. I think I’m obsessing.