The post I wrote yesterday was extremely negative…I’m not going to apologize for sharing my feelings BUT I feel much better today and know that my future and who I am is in GOD’S hands, not mine. So therefore I am not wrong in essence, because I am the creation of Christ :)
Yes I eff up on a regular basis but that is NOT who I am. No matter what YOU believe, your mistakes do not define you, either. I want you to know that :)
An 18 year old friend who had moved to North Carolina died in a motorcycle accident a couple days ago. He had such a heart for missions and helping others- he was a volunteer firefighter and was on his way to talk to elementary school kids about fire safety when the accident occurred. It’s so sad. :( But I know He’s with the Lord.
Also my little brother and sister saw S. at Fields of Faith, a Fellowship of Christian Athletes event, 2 days ago. What the fuck, where does he get the right to walk around leading a youth group- A YOUTH GROUP- after he nearly ruined my life? I wish I could do something to make sure that he is not able to do that again. I don’t want to ruin his life. But I don’t want him around kids.
I’m frightened but I’m mainly angry. He doesn’t get to ruin my life. I get to experience forgiveness and I won’t self-harm and have an ED forever and I won’t kill myself because of him. I promise. I have a voice. I have a choice. And he deserves forgiveness too, but he still doesn’t admit that he did anything, so that needs to happen. I don’t want him to tell ME. I never want to see him ever again. But he shouldn’t be a youth leader or a counselor. No. WAY.
I had therapy today. It was kind of intense because I talked about the dream I had about S. and the fear that had been lurking in me since. And I started crying, which is kind of unusual because I haven’t cried in therapy for a couple months. I feel like it should have been a breakthrough session because I could tell that she seemed to think that “You need to forgive yourself” would be an epiphany for me. I’m meant to write a letter to myself, forgiving myself. Standard therapy fare, although I don’t know why I’m being resistant. That’s what we pay for; therapy is known to help. I KNOW it helps me, I know I need it, so I oughtn’t to be cynical at all. I guess I’m reluctant to “forgive” myself because it seems conceited or weak. Even though everyone I’ve talked to about this has said it was his fault, etc. I still know I did wrong. I’m sorry for being so vague- if anyone is reading this- but I’m not sure it would be the right thing for me to write about what happened on here. I wouldn’t want people from my real life to somehow find it.
Anyways, I think maybe I hold on to everything that has hurt me like a hair shirt. Mortification of the flesh. Because at times, I just hate myself so much. I’m fighting that, but it’s almost easier to view myself with disgust. Why is that easier? It’s intensely painful. It’s anguish. Wouldn’t it be easier and better to just let go and be free? Stop trying to hurt myself, starve myself, torture myself with the memories?