I CAN do this. I don’t have to engage in self-defeating behavior no matter how sad I am! I will recovery from diabulimia/other ED stuff, and self-harm!
God gives me more chances than I can even imagine, so who am I to limit myself and say that because I’ve messed up or sinned a lot, my chances are gone? NOT true. I can do this, and I will. No matter how freaking hard it is- and it is.
And you can do it too, regardless of whether you believe in God or not, the possibilities for beauty and pain and FREEDOM in this world are endless! Don’t let your eating disorder or self injury or depression or bipolar disorder or whatever you are struggling with limit you.
I refuse to be limited anymore.
Whoa I am triggered like crazy right now. I track the tag “eating disorder recovery” and wow sorry but people post reallllly triggering things in there. Which I don’t blame them. It’s my responsibility for looking at pictures that are definitely thinspo. I should just get out of there. But no, I stare and look and lust because I want the bones and the fraiIty and the emptiness and the long, thin legs and the visible collarbones and rib cage and bony knees that are wider than thighs.
I will NEVER have that. A) I am in recovery and I will keep fighting for that no matter what and B) My body is on the small side but I have curves. When I was at my thinnest, yeah my ribs and chest bones stuck out but I have never had skinny legs or a thin face- I will never have the whole “look” that I sometimes want so badly that I can almost taste it. Isn’t that disgusting? I am so sad and desperate for that emaciation that I salivate. And cry. I disgust myself.
I know better. I have read loads of books on eating disorders. I know tons of people with eating disorders. I have the experience myself. I have done the research- ED’s are not glamorous, although I have NEVER thought that they were. I have always wanted to be sick. Well I have been through the sickness now and it’s never ever enough until it’s too late. THAT’S a fact I have to remember. And I can’t half-ass it. So many people think they can, like “I’ll eat a thousand calories and run 5 miles a day so I’m thin but that’s recovery!” Or ” I’ll skip my Lantus but take my Novolog and once I have medium ketones I will stop.” Why do we do that? To remain in control. But it’s not us that’s in control. It’s the eating disorder. We have to trust our bodies to do what they will when we eat and drink and live FREE lives.
If only I could accept that.
I had all of these thoughts churning in my head today, that I wanted to write about. I didn’t immediately write them down, though, and I forgot quite a lot of what I was going to say.
I had one small moment free of having ED thoughts or thinking about anything like that in general today. It was both beautiful and sickening, to me, knowing that out of 24 hours of the day, I had maybe 60 minutes totally free. What could I accomplish if I were totally free, what wild and beautiful thoughts would tickle the insides of my mind? And what can I do to achieve this? I’m in recovery from my eating disorder. I take all my insulin. So why do the thoughts torture me constantly? Am I doing something wrong that the thoughts haven’t gone away yet?
It was lovely, though, because I was in Bible Study when I had the moment of freedom. I can only surmise that it was God’s grace that let me have that taste of freedom. It’s a Beth Moore study- I know she has one called “Breaking Free” that I really wish my church would do because there is nothing I want more than to break free from the chains of my addiction. EVERYONE has a stronghold that they wish to escape from, so it would be relevant I think. My addiction to self harm and my eating disorder have kept me shackled for at least 8 years now, almost half my life. I want to to BE FREE.
I had therapy today. It was kind of intense because I talked about the dream I had about S. and the fear that had been lurking in me since. And I started crying, which is kind of unusual because I haven’t cried in therapy for a couple months. I feel like it should have been a breakthrough session because I could tell that she seemed to think that “You need to forgive yourself” would be an epiphany for me. I’m meant to write a letter to myself, forgiving myself. Standard therapy fare, although I don’t know why I’m being resistant. That’s what we pay for; therapy is known to help. I KNOW it helps me, I know I need it, so I oughtn’t to be cynical at all. I guess I’m reluctant to “forgive” myself because it seems conceited or weak. Even though everyone I’ve talked to about this has said it was his fault, etc. I still know I did wrong. I’m sorry for being so vague- if anyone is reading this- but I’m not sure it would be the right thing for me to write about what happened on here. I wouldn’t want people from my real life to somehow find it.
Anyways, I think maybe I hold on to everything that has hurt me like a hair shirt. Mortification of the flesh. Because at times, I just hate myself so much. I’m fighting that, but it’s almost easier to view myself with disgust. Why is that easier? It’s intensely painful. It’s anguish. Wouldn’t it be easier and better to just let go and be free? Stop trying to hurt myself, starve myself, torture myself with the memories?