Regaining My Dreams

Amy. 21. Wild dreamer,hippie hopeful, lost and broken, art lover of all kinds. Bipolar disorder, anxiety, panic disorder, type 1 diabetes, in recovery from diabulimia and EDNOS a- I categorize them separately because the EDNOS is my restrict/binge/over exercise/whatever cycle. Also trying to recover from self harm and suicidal ideation in it's many demon forms. Been in inpatient/residential treatment for my eating disorder for 3 months last year, and am currently in PHP treatment for my mental illnesses. I get lost in my dreams and nightmares sometimes, in the poetry of light and dark and imagination. The Fairy Realms call my name. I'm not sane-but what is sane anyways? I know that my God is mighty to save :) Please ask me if you have any questions or just want to talk. I would love to get to know anyone and to help in anyway that I can. This blog may be triggering at times, I try not to be but I can't catch everything and I don't want to censor myself completely- I need a place where I can be free.
Do the next right thing. <3 Amy

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July52012

A Proper Update, Eh?

So theatre ended on Sunday…it is most likely the last show I ever did with Tower Theatre because we’re supposed to be moving soon. Although my dad STILL hasn’t gotten the transfer letter, although he was supposed to earlier this week. Anyways, Tower Theatre has been just a beautiful, amazing part of my life for seven years and I am terribly sad to leave it. I learned through Tower Theatre just how much musicals are a part of my heart. I will never, EVER forget that. In fact, I am listening to “Make Up Your Mind/Catch Me I’m Falling” from “Next to Normal” right now and bawling my eyes out because it’s just heartrendingly beautiful. At any rate, that was a sad goodbye…

On Tuesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and she referred me to a like partial hospitalization program called La Paz. It would be for my bipolar and so that I could work on learning to cope. Because sad to say that I have a “crisis” that I can’t handle pretty much every day and it’s literally traumatizing. I can’t live like that forever.

I also had an appointment with a lawyer and got started to applying for disability and so hopefully I can get it because I am absolutely broke AND I got my hospital bill today which is 1500. I am really anxious about that actually it makes me want to cut myself or resort to thinking about how much better off everyone would be if I were dead. Anyhow.

Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment and then an appointment with La Paz and I would love it if you guys would pray or send me thoughts that I will get in and that insurance will cover it because I need help desperately. Things have been…disintegrating for a few months now and I just, need more help.

I love everyone! <3

theatre next to normal psychiatrist eating disorders outpatient treatment PHP bipolar disorder diabulimia self injury suicide

July42012

My Psychopharmacologist and I

The round blue ones with food but not with the oblong white ones
The white ones with the round yellow ones but not the trapezoidal green ones
Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel
Use a mortar and pestal to grind…

My Psychopharmacologist and I
It’s like an odd romance
Intense and very intimate
We do our dance
My Psychopharmacologist and I
Call it a lovers’ game
He knows my deepest secrets
I know his… name!

And though he’ll never hold me
He’ll always take my calls
It’s truly like he told me
Without a little lift the ballerina falls

DR. FINE (spoken):
Goodman, Diana. Bipolar depressive with delusional episodes. 16 year history of medication. Adjustment after one week.

DIANA (spoken):
I’ve got less anxiety, but i have headaches, blurry vision, and i can’t feel my toes.

DR. FINE (spoken):
So, we’ll try again and eventually we’ll get it right.

DIANA (spoken):
Not a very exact science, is it?

ALL VOICES:
Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax
Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac
Atavan calms me when i see the bills
These are a few of my favorite pills

DIANA (spoken):
Ooh. Thank you, Doctor. Valium is my favorite color. How’d ya know?

next to normal song bipolar disorder depression zoloft paxil buspar xanax Depakote klonopin ambien prozac ativan musical

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