Regaining My Dreams

Sad Times at Amy’s Room

Bye bye followers…don’t know why you went but hope I didn’t offend you…

I feel like crying. Probably because I have not taken my Seroquel yet. 

Also my Ask Buddy has disappeared :( Is it because I didn’t ask YOU any questions? I tried, I did, but there were too many gray faces and I didn’t know which one was YOU. Is it because I’m ugly? Oh dear :( I’m serious about that one, actually. 

I’ve been exercising. It doesn’t seem to make me feel better like all the doctors and everyone I talked to claimed, that all the endorphins would magically swoop in and change my brain! I just feel the same way I did when I exercised before…fat. And like I’m punishing myself for that fact. 

Also I….TW

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Today was a lot better than yesterday! I just feel a lot better! I’m not manic or anything I don’t believe, but I did do all my laundry, fold and hang up all my clothes, vacuum my room, vacuum the upstairs, and organize all my jewelry, hairthings, and like lotion and bandaids and stuff like that. I feel like hashtagging this #selfharmprobs because I have a ton of bandaids and antibacterial cream and stuff like that in my room. Which is good but not good, I guess. 

So anyways my room smells really fresh and I managed to take a shower and all so really the only thing I need to tackle is the top of my closet which is quite a daunting prospect. It’s where I have all of the stuff that I don’t want to throw away just yet but I don’t know what to do with it really. Like all my inspirational posters and my fairy and princess stuff and old purses and what have you. 

Also I need to eat because I had like a tiny yogurt at 7 am and burritos at  2 pm and now its 11:15 pm. sooo yeah I need to eat. Even if I’m fat. People of all sizes need energy and nutrients. It’s not like you only deserve that stuff if you’re skinny. I must keep reminding myself of this !(Tool reference ftw!) 

We are showing our house tomorrow and that’s why I was inspired to clean. 

Gosh I’m scattered. I’ll end the torture now :p

Oh yeah my blood sugars are better today! 

Okay going now fo real. 

<3 Amy

I have to fight through this. I have no other choice. 

TW?

So having my blood sugar high for the past few days I THINK has caused some weight loss- the pajama shorts I am wearing are HUGE on me. It’s an intoxicating feeling- makes my ED more than a little happy. Of course I probably haven’t lost weight but…hoping. 

Also, I’m watching LOL and it’s kind of dumb but the girls are all pretty skinny and blegh triggering. 

I don’t know why it’s so important for me to have followers. 

I guess I’m insecure and crave affection and affirmation.

To be transparently honest.

Right now I’m tired and sad and my Seroquel

Has not yet been ingested

Nor has a meal since lunch. 

And I can’t use my pump because I accidentally ordered the wrong size reservoirs. 

Terribly sad. 

But not relapsing. 

Wish I had someone to talk to, mainly. 

Recovery = Winning!!!!

My blood sugar is 118 right now, or 6.5 to pretty much anyone other than Americans, I think…and I feel a little hypo, but I also feel PROUD AND HAPPY!!! HENCE THE CAPS! 

I stuck to my goals today :) 

I feel kind of bad about something non treatment related that I don’t know if I should or not, it could go either way. Vague enough for ya?

I do need to eat some right now though because I haven’t eaten enough yet today. EVERYONE needs food not just if you’re underweight. Sometimes I forget that,

Feeling kind of sad and fat right now… :( bleh. 

It Only Makes Me That Much Stronger (from here on out)

I want to apologize for my self-defeating attitude last night…I was struggling, and I have been for quite some time- you may call it a relapse. But I’m back in the ring and ready to FIGHT! ED is not going to win and neither is my bipolar disorder, my diabetes, my anxiety, my sadness, self harm, people that want me to fail or just hate me, or anything else. I will NOT give up. Not ever. 

If someone wants me to fail, why should I comply? I’m noncompliant in everything else, at times! So to all the people, forces, and circumstances that disrespect, criticize, and hate me, I say: Your hatred is only making me stronger in my resolve to recover. 

Right Then

I CAN do this. I don’t have to engage in self-defeating behavior no matter how sad I am! I will recovery from diabulimia/other ED stuff, and self-harm! 

God gives me more chances than I can even imagine, so who am I to limit myself and say that because I’ve messed up or sinned a lot, my chances are gone? NOT true. I can do this, and I will. No matter how freaking hard it is- and it is. 

And you can do it too, regardless of whether you believe in God or not, the possibilities for beauty and pain and FREEDOM in this world are endless! Don’t let your eating disorder or self injury or depression or bipolar disorder or whatever you are struggling with limit you. 

I refuse to be limited anymore. 

PYT! (not really I’m just listening to Michael Jackson right now do you see this is actually and update)

I feel a little better today than I have been. If I could just stop hurting myself it would be grand and people wouldn’t get so mad at me, though. I’m talking about like, I have a sore on my hand that I made myself and I can’t seem to stop picking at it. It’s hardly even conscious. But I’m making it infected, if it isn’t already. Perks of being an “uncontrolled” type 1 diabetic!!

Tomorrow I have an endo appt. and I fully anticipate being yelled at for my poor control since the like 3 weeks since I was there last. I WAS doing really well but I managed to relapse. Not fully, though. Like halfway. But it still takes its toll and plus I haven’t input every single blood sugar into my insulin pump and haven’t been checking much anyways so that’s problematic. Also I will have to argue with the nurses about weighing me. Actually, I just tell them “No” right away now and they let it go. But on the plus side once it’s over, it’s over, and I might not have to go to that endo office again since I’m moving around April 18th. Hopefully I can find one I like better in Louisiana. We’ll see. 

I want to do a meal plan because my eating is horrid, like I’m maintaining my weight obviously but I feel like shit a lot of the time which I’m sure is partially the high blood sugars but I think eating better will definitely help matters but I’m kind of scared to do my meal plan from Melrose because I weigh more now for sure and I’m not sure what I ought to be eating and I haven’t been to a nutritionist since Melrose so I’m kind of confused. I know I’m still doing disordered eating even if I LOOK healthy and I just want to feel better. I passed out on Friday in my room for no reason and I feel tired SO MUCH so yeah. 

I really need to talk to my therapist about some things coming up and I thought she was going to be leading my group in treatment but she has been doing other stuff this week and I don’t have therapy until Friday. I know I’m annoying her but I’m really struggling and I am moving in a month so I need extra help since I will be leaving so soon and transitioning and I’m still having a VERY difficult time! 

My uncle Len randomly showed up at our house today,he’s in town to get some dental work done (people always come here and get it done across the border) and I hadn’t seen him for around 10 years! I ate dinner with him and my family which I never do but that’s all I could do…he’s very quiet and I feel sooooo awkward because I don’t know how to make conversation with him even though he’s my uncle!

So that’s all for this nice long update! I hope tonight doesn’t turn into the depression and crying spell that has been the pattern :( It’ll help if I have an idea of what I’m going to wear. I think. Blergh, I’m so weird. 

Okay, really, going now! <3 Amy