Regaining My Dreams

I’m feeling really depressed. Help me out?

Can you send me asks and just ask whatever or give me prompts of anything you want to know about my life, feelings, views on things…

It’s probably really self-centered to assume that anyone cares what I think about things but today my family was here and I dunno there was just too much going on and I have to sing like all morning tomorrow and I feel overwhelmed and like self-harming and especially FAT even more than usual which is quite a feat. 

So please? I’ll answer anything!!!!

Right Then

I CAN do this. I don’t have to engage in self-defeating behavior no matter how sad I am! I will recovery from diabulimia/other ED stuff, and self-harm! 

God gives me more chances than I can even imagine, so who am I to limit myself and say that because I’ve messed up or sinned a lot, my chances are gone? NOT true. I can do this, and I will. No matter how freaking hard it is- and it is. 

And you can do it too, regardless of whether you believe in God or not, the possibilities for beauty and pain and FREEDOM in this world are endless! Don’t let your eating disorder or self injury or depression or bipolar disorder or whatever you are struggling with limit you. 

I refuse to be limited anymore. 

Amy’s Spring Forward Recovery Plan/Contract.

You guys get to read this. Soz! I wrote it by myself- my therapist had me come up with it on my own so if it’s too ambitious that’s mah own fault.  Here we go:

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Oh dear :(

Wow I am losing followers like nobody’s business, I’m about to get kicked out of treatment if I don’t quit relapsing ( though I’m about to move so I guess it doesn’t matter tooo much but still) and I had a horrible endo appt. I swear this lady is so mean when I told her that the reason my blood sugars were so bad was because I’m really sad she was like “I’m glad I don’t work in psych because of people like you,” and when I told her that I was going to do better she oh-so-encouragingly said “You always say that and you never do.”  among many other lovely things! But I’m not going there again thank God although it will be hard to find an endo in Baton Rouge because the endo I go to doesn’t refer people over there because there’s no Joslin Diabetes Center I guess. 

Anyways my day sucked but I AM going to get back on track and later on I will post my contract that I wrote for my therapist that states exactly how I will do so! 

Please don’t unfollow me lovelies, I’m just having a rough time but I am trying and I will try harder!

PYT! (not really I’m just listening to Michael Jackson right now do you see this is actually and update)

I feel a little better today than I have been. If I could just stop hurting myself it would be grand and people wouldn’t get so mad at me, though. I’m talking about like, I have a sore on my hand that I made myself and I can’t seem to stop picking at it. It’s hardly even conscious. But I’m making it infected, if it isn’t already. Perks of being an “uncontrolled” type 1 diabetic!!

Tomorrow I have an endo appt. and I fully anticipate being yelled at for my poor control since the like 3 weeks since I was there last. I WAS doing really well but I managed to relapse. Not fully, though. Like halfway. But it still takes its toll and plus I haven’t input every single blood sugar into my insulin pump and haven’t been checking much anyways so that’s problematic. Also I will have to argue with the nurses about weighing me. Actually, I just tell them “No” right away now and they let it go. But on the plus side once it’s over, it’s over, and I might not have to go to that endo office again since I’m moving around April 18th. Hopefully I can find one I like better in Louisiana. We’ll see. 

I want to do a meal plan because my eating is horrid, like I’m maintaining my weight obviously but I feel like shit a lot of the time which I’m sure is partially the high blood sugars but I think eating better will definitely help matters but I’m kind of scared to do my meal plan from Melrose because I weigh more now for sure and I’m not sure what I ought to be eating and I haven’t been to a nutritionist since Melrose so I’m kind of confused. I know I’m still doing disordered eating even if I LOOK healthy and I just want to feel better. I passed out on Friday in my room for no reason and I feel tired SO MUCH so yeah. 

I really need to talk to my therapist about some things coming up and I thought she was going to be leading my group in treatment but she has been doing other stuff this week and I don’t have therapy until Friday. I know I’m annoying her but I’m really struggling and I am moving in a month so I need extra help since I will be leaving so soon and transitioning and I’m still having a VERY difficult time! 

My uncle Len randomly showed up at our house today,he’s in town to get some dental work done (people always come here and get it done across the border) and I hadn’t seen him for around 10 years! I ate dinner with him and my family which I never do but that’s all I could do…he’s very quiet and I feel sooooo awkward because I don’t know how to make conversation with him even though he’s my uncle!

So that’s all for this nice long update! I hope tonight doesn’t turn into the depression and crying spell that has been the pattern :( It’ll help if I have an idea of what I’m going to wear. I think. Blergh, I’m so weird. 

Okay, really, going now! <3 Amy

Help Me I’m Falling (Please Hear Me Calling)

I’m feeling incredibly depressed and like I want to cut myself right now. I haven’t cut since July. 

I need to shower but I’m scared that once I get in the shower I will cut myself.

I need to take my medicine but I’m scared that once I start taking my pills I will take too many. 

I need to ask for help but I’m scared that everyone is sick and tired of my bullshit and will be annoyed by me/ignore me as usual. 

I need….I need…I need…

I’m scared.

Update, This Is

Today sucked in the morning but actually turned out being okay…I bought a shirt and jean shorts and sparkly like fake Toms so I don’t have to stress for like 2 hours about my outfit for tomorrow…that honestly made my day a lot better. I also went for a walk and talked to my awesome friend Asha on the phone so that really helped :)

Aggressive lady at treatment was aggressive again today and made me cry and freak out again but from what I understand she is getting kicked out of the program. I hope so because she really needs to be in behavioral aka the psych unit. I’m not saying that in in a bad way it’s just that she has a lot of aggression and NO impulse control. Also it was sad because a girl in treatment I am pretty close to ended up having to go to the psych unit because she was suicidal :( But I think she will be okay and end up back in the program once she gets out. 

I have been pulling a lot of hair out and scratching a lot and that’s not good :( But I am still fighting for recovery and that won’t change. I don’t remember if I posted this but I was feeling kind of suicidal last night. Pills are SO tempting. But I am okay obviously and hopefully my mood doesn’t drop later on tonight although of course that COULD happen. 

After I post this I will post something that I wrote a few days ago that I kind of like. 

Update 3/26/13

Things are crazy at my treatment center. Which is pretty apt, right? Since it’s for us mentally ill. :p 

At any rate, they just instated a ton of ridiculous rules about anything and everything, which is fine because I like rules, they make me feel safe. But they are going way overboard. 

I spoke to the administrator today- not about the rules- and he was super condescending and like “If I didn’t have a good heart, I wouldn’t be so willing to help you since we don’t process your insurance and we’ve done everything for you” and so on and so forth. Which they have been helpful but saying that you have a good heart is not a really good way to show that you actually do have a good heart. And when I started this program, I had no idea that they didn’t take my insurance and were apparently doing me a huge favor ( which they kind of aren’t because it doesn’t cost them extra to have me there. At all.) Anyways, he made me feel stupid and I don’t want to be treated as second-rate because that was not my understanding when I started there, that they were doing a special favor for me. 

We had a new patient today who I will call L, female, 51, and she is making me feel VERY uncomfortable, she is touchy and grabbed my necklace which I HATE and kept like touching me and I can’t stand it. Plus I just get a bad vibe from her and I have to trust my feelings. She’s really inappropriate in group as well, interrupting everyone and cursing and she was obviously under the influence of something. I know I sound judgmental but I have to trust my instincts. I also have to be flexible and respectful towards her so I need to try to accept even though I hate when people I don’t even know TOUCH ME!!!

So my anxiety levels are so high I can barely stand it due to the new rules and some of the staff’s attitude to me and this new patient who makes me feel sooo uncomfortable. I MAY call the therapist in a little bit because I feel literally sick with the anxiety and depression.

Also body image is REALLLLLLY bad but I am working on it. 

So that’s what’s up with me for right now! I’m typing this while talking to my dad so I’m a little distracted. I miss him a lot and I know he’s depressed living alone in Baton Rouge. 

Anyways, I am going to try to stop picking/pulling hair out for the rest of the night, take my insulin, and not take any extra pills. That will only make things worse. I also hope group tomorrow is better :/

Thank you for putting up with all this…have a lovely day and PLEASE SEND ASKS I am very triggered  and sad and need to not act on it.  :(

<3 Amy

TW: ED, Suicide, Diabulimia

First off, I want to say that I am not suicidal any more and would never go through with it without talking to someone first as my Crisis Plan states. This is just how I was feeling yesterday. Read if you like. 

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