Regaining My Dreams

Treatment tomorrow. I hope I get something out of it. I am feeling pretty sick and lonely right now.

I don’t know how to show replies to my posts so I can answer them BUT I am actually feeling pretty good…I’ve been exercising and my Effexor dosage was doubled and I THINK it’s working!

Treatment was cancelled yet again and so no therapy, I haven’t had individual therapy for over 3 weeks and group therapy for almost a week…rather an abrupt change. I don’t feel ready to go out into the world yet, I mean it was just such an abrupt end to my treatment, but I do need to do something with my days. Even if it’s just one day a week. Volunteering or something. 

Today managed to be even worse than the day prior. 

I told my mom that I was feeling suicidal and she told me that she didn’t have the time and energy to “do this” or to take me to the hospital or anything plus we couldn’t afford it anyways. So I backed down and said I was fine even though I was crying hysterically. My depression is really, REALLY bad. Worse than it’s ever been.

My mom also told me not to talk about my family during therapy because I probably paint myself as the victim and my siblings tell her that they don’t want me to talk about them in therapy.. Um. It’s therapy…family is a big part of my life…what am I supposed to do with that? She told me that my family does NOT need time off or a break from me, though. Since she knows that I spend every second I’m not in treatment, in my room. 

I know my mom is struggling right now, soooo much is going on and it’s hard to deal with me being sad and crying all the time and I guess apparently I argue with my siblings a lot too and always think I’m right. Which is how I would describe them? I know I do everything wrong.  But wow, I am REALLY hurt. 

If I actually admit to being suicidal to my mom, it does no good. I don’t know what to do with that, she’s my main support, what…what am I supposed to do? I’m safe tonight though, by the way, I guess I would call my best friend or Asha if I become suicidal tonight and that is the answer, I suppose. 

Hideous day. Hideous me. 

Update sorta- LONG. TW maybe.

Issuing a  call for more asks!!!

I know, I’m so demanding. It’s really the only writing I’ve been able to get in lately and since I’m meant to be writing a book, that’s pretty sad…although it also makes me happy when I get them! I do journal for treatment for our “check-in” but it’s quite boring, really…mainly I write what I did the day before, how long my depression/crying lasted, did I self-harm, did I take my insulin, and like 2 goals for the day which are usually shockingly simple i.e. “My goals for today are to take a walk and work on getting my blood sugars down.” 

I did take a walk, half a mile, which was actually good for me…I am SO unhealthy, I can’t stress how much I wish I had NEVER EVER EVER started with this eating disorder! But it’s not too late….my health is never going to be perfect, but I can definitely improve it. 

I cried a lot during treatment today. I just feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for having these disorders and causing so many problems. I asked my therapist what the group leaders (interns and other therapists, mostly other therapists) report about me and she told me some of the things, like always needing to be right or correcting things or  interrupting because I have to be right and although she did say that this was mostly a while ago, not recently, it still really hurt my feelings because I want to be perfect and I want everyone to like me and obviously that just doesn’t happen. And my therapist also said that my mom is just TIRED. Of dealing with all my stuff. Well, and all the other stuff going on in our lives now, but tired of me being sad and crying all the time. Of course, that made me feel even more guilty. In group I kind of mentioned that and one of my group members was like “Maybe you should give your family some time to themselves because it is tiring being around something with a disorder, and realize that it’s not all about you…” cue uncontrollable crying on my part because I literally spend ALL of my time in my room when I’m not at treatment. That group member had only been in group with me once before so he didn’t know that but my God! The guilt I feel every second of every day of my life is so intense! Constructive criticism is nice but the thing is that I ALREADY intensely scrutinize my flaws, so I don’t especially need other people to point them out constantly. That same group member, when I mentioned how fat I feel ( I wasn’t monopolizing, it’s just that there’s a small group of us and we have 4 hours of group therapy so we all talk a lot!) he was like “It’s what’s inside that counts” and “You don’t have to be skinny to be pretty.” which of course my ED took to mean, “You’re ugly and fat.”

Then I went and spoke to one of the social work interns that I really really like about how upset I was because I couldn’t be in group anymore, I was crying too much, and about how it makes me feel better to fantasize about suicide. I kind of spilled my guts to her. Don’t worry though, in case anyone does worry about me which I doubt kinda? I am not going to commit suicide. If I seriously genuinely had a plan that I knew I could execute, I would tell someone. 

I’m glad that I could type all this out even if it was boring to read because it helped me to understand WHY I felt so bad during treatment this morning. 

Now all I have to do is figure out my outfit for tomorrow (worst part of my day ugh), journal for tomorrow’s check-in, eat something, take my Ativan, Trileptal, Effexor, and Gabapentin, see if I can go with my mom to pick up my little sister just so that I can get out of the house, set out my coffee cup and Diet Dr. Pepper refill cup for tomorrow, take my Seroquel, and go to sleep. And hope that I don’t suddenly get immobilized by depression and crying somewhere in the midst of all this. Which is what usually happens. 

Bless you if you read all of this!!! A thousand blessings! <3 Your friendly neighborhood crazy, Amy

So I have treatment for 3 more days. If that- basically all of the staff is gone; quit because La Paz ran out of money and I don’t think they were able to give them their last paycheck. NOT very responsible of the administrator.

So it should be the administrator, Elisa, my therapist (yay :)) and I think 1 intern. I just hope that I get a call in the morning that we aren’t having it after all, although that would not surprise me. 

I’m not sure what I hope to get accomplished in the next 3 days…venting? Closure, I hope?

I can tell my mom is glad, she is tired of me being in treatment, thinks I should just get on with it…which isn’t easy. I’m not trying to be obnoxious, but I AM struggling with Type 1 diabetes, a very dangerous eating disorder, an 11 year addiction to self-harm, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and trauma…it’s not easy to just get on with it. 

The sadness I feel is….mind-numbing and yet sends waves of pain throughout my body. 

Ask me things? Please?

Also I had a really bad episode when I was in my therapists office on Friday where I reared my head back and BANGED it against the wall I just lost it. I’m so embarrassed and after I got home I called and apologized but I have to say that the sadness and depression are absolutely immense. Anyways I regret it and am soooo humiliated that I did such a thing but I have therapy with her tomorrow so I will probably apologize again. I’m thinking of going outside after this and banging my head against the walls of the house but I probably shouldn’t…don’t worry I don’t really hurt myself when I do it like it hurts but I never crack my head open or bleed or anything. 

Update 4/22/13

Today was okay to start with- I had therapy and that went well. I talked about sex lol and my hangups about it and I feel less, I don’t know, guilty now. Haha, awks thing to post, right? ANYWAYS. 

My blood sugar has been better today. I made yet an other plan or resolution or whatever to keep it from like 350-300 ( I don’t know why I’m doing it backwards like that!) this week. I hope that I can stick to it for the most part. I already messed up but I didn’t do it on purpose so I’m going to check my bg before I go to sleep and see where it is.

I feel sad because I feel like my family doesn’t like me and isn’t proud of me. I brag on my siblings all the time but I know for an absolute fact that they don’t do the same for me. My mom made that clear in a conversation tonight. I agree that I suck and have made a lot of poor decisions but it breaks my heart that at least in my perception my family doesn’t have my back. It really does. Of course I hate myself when my own family hates me. 

I’m applying for Medicaid but I need help, I’m not sure about some of these questions! 

My ED and self-harm are still fighting to take control of my life and so things are pretty hard still. Well also my bipolar. Maybe my bipolar more than anything…maybe it is what is causing the problems? I don’t know.

Love you all. <3 if you would ask me questions it would cheer this sad, lonely, lost girl up! 

I feel sad and sick. I’m not sure what’s wrong at the moment. 

I got through my psych appt. with minimal waiting and got all my prescriptions this afternoon, though, so I’m happy about that.

Therapy tomorrow. I hope that it’s not just a litany of my failures. I like my therapist, but lately she has been frustrated with my lack of progress, and that upsets me as well. She calls it noncompliance. I call it being sad and stuck. Who’s right? Maybe both of us. 

I already took my Ativan, Gabapentin, Effexor, and Trileptal for the evening. I think it’s time for my mega dose of Seroquel before this mood descends even further. 

Update, is I think the term they are using for it nowadays.

I need to get off of here badly. It’s late. I need my giant dose of Seroquel before I start contemplating suicide. 

I went for a walk tonight like the doctor told me to. Well, I don’t think I mentioned this but I went to the doctor to see if I had hypothyroidism. I don’t but I’m exhausted all the time without fail. He said maybe I would feel more energized if I exercised a little bit, that it would give me a sense of well being. My ED took that to mean that he thought I was fat but that’s really NOT why he said it. He doesn’t even know my weight because I refuse to weigh at the doctor’s office. Gosh, I’m such a rebel, it’s ridiculous how cool I am. Anyways, I varied my sad little routine and did so. It was pretty nice but I realized how sick I am. I fear that I am getting neuropathy. My feet and legs either hurt or tingle all the time. 

I reeeaaalllly need to do some work in my Body Image Workbook, I stopped doing it because it was making me feel bad but really that’s a silly reason. Therapy makes me feel kinda bad too but it’s still good for me. I have to give this a chance. 

That’s my update for today. I really need to work on not self harming because that’s the thing I am having SO MUCH TROUBLE WITH. 

Good night and I love you all dearly <3 Amy

PYT! (not really I’m just listening to Michael Jackson right now do you see this is actually and update)

I feel a little better today than I have been. If I could just stop hurting myself it would be grand and people wouldn’t get so mad at me, though. I’m talking about like, I have a sore on my hand that I made myself and I can’t seem to stop picking at it. It’s hardly even conscious. But I’m making it infected, if it isn’t already. Perks of being an “uncontrolled” type 1 diabetic!!

Tomorrow I have an endo appt. and I fully anticipate being yelled at for my poor control since the like 3 weeks since I was there last. I WAS doing really well but I managed to relapse. Not fully, though. Like halfway. But it still takes its toll and plus I haven’t input every single blood sugar into my insulin pump and haven’t been checking much anyways so that’s problematic. Also I will have to argue with the nurses about weighing me. Actually, I just tell them “No” right away now and they let it go. But on the plus side once it’s over, it’s over, and I might not have to go to that endo office again since I’m moving around April 18th. Hopefully I can find one I like better in Louisiana. We’ll see. 

I want to do a meal plan because my eating is horrid, like I’m maintaining my weight obviously but I feel like shit a lot of the time which I’m sure is partially the high blood sugars but I think eating better will definitely help matters but I’m kind of scared to do my meal plan from Melrose because I weigh more now for sure and I’m not sure what I ought to be eating and I haven’t been to a nutritionist since Melrose so I’m kind of confused. I know I’m still doing disordered eating even if I LOOK healthy and I just want to feel better. I passed out on Friday in my room for no reason and I feel tired SO MUCH so yeah. 

I really need to talk to my therapist about some things coming up and I thought she was going to be leading my group in treatment but she has been doing other stuff this week and I don’t have therapy until Friday. I know I’m annoying her but I’m really struggling and I am moving in a month so I need extra help since I will be leaving so soon and transitioning and I’m still having a VERY difficult time! 

My uncle Len randomly showed up at our house today,he’s in town to get some dental work done (people always come here and get it done across the border) and I hadn’t seen him for around 10 years! I ate dinner with him and my family which I never do but that’s all I could do…he’s very quiet and I feel sooooo awkward because I don’t know how to make conversation with him even though he’s my uncle!

So that’s all for this nice long update! I hope tonight doesn’t turn into the depression and crying spell that has been the pattern :( It’ll help if I have an idea of what I’m going to wear. I think. Blergh, I’m so weird. 

Okay, really, going now! <3 Amy