So I have treatment for 3 more days. If that- basically all of the staff is gone; quit because La Paz ran out of money and I don’t think they were able to give them their last paycheck. NOT very responsible of the administrator.
So it should be the administrator, Elisa, my therapist (yay :)) and I think 1 intern. I just hope that I get a call in the morning that we aren’t having it after all, although that would not surprise me.
I’m not sure what I hope to get accomplished in the next 3 days…venting? Closure, I hope?
I can tell my mom is glad, she is tired of me being in treatment, thinks I should just get on with it…which isn’t easy. I’m not trying to be obnoxious, but I AM struggling with Type 1 diabetes, a very dangerous eating disorder, an 11 year addiction to self-harm, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and trauma…it’s not easy to just get on with it.
The sadness I feel is….mind-numbing and yet sends waves of pain throughout my body.
Ask me things? Please?
The post I wrote yesterday was extremely negative…I’m not going to apologize for sharing my feelings BUT I feel much better today and know that my future and who I am is in GOD’S hands, not mine. So therefore I am not wrong in essence, because I am the creation of Christ :)
Yes I eff up on a regular basis but that is NOT who I am. No matter what YOU believe, your mistakes do not define you, either. I want you to know that :)
I’m doing a little better today although I’m still reliving the trauma some and it’s so hard…I was crying really hard on one of the breaks during treatment today but I was able to get myself together a little for the next session, which was good. I still feel a little sick, like definitely the chills and a bit of nausea, but only intermittently.
It’s hard because I feel like I have no right to be traumatized by my experience(s), even though I think anyone would at least be affected by it, if not traumatized. But it is a big deal. I can’t minimize my experience and what I felt and still feel because of it. Does anyone else struggle with things like this, feeling like they “shouldn’t” be upset or even traumatized, and I mean that in the clinical sense, by things that happened in their past? It’s very confusing for me. Maybe I shouldn’t even try to be intellectualizing such a thing because there really is no sense to it.
I hate that I’m speaking in such generalities but if you are kind enough to follow my story up till this point I trust that you have some idea of what kind of trauma I am referring to.
In other news, our house is FINALLY showing tomorrow and I need to get it together enough to clean and do laundry. When I’m depressed, little daily activities become increasingly difficult. I’m often depressed so that’s problematic. My bi-polar disorder is definitely more on the depression side than on the manic side.
I took all my meds and ate and such properly today (so far) so I just need to keep trucking and get through the weekend. I CAN do this. I need to do some positive activities throughout the weekend besides just cleaning! My best friend is out of town for college so I can’t hang out with her, boo. Any ideas?
I’m working on my homework for therapy and it’s REALLY hard and painful. So I keep taking breaks to space the pain out a little. I’m basically detailing the events of a very difficult and shame-inducing experience that I had 2 years ago, when I was 19. And has been basically ruining my life since. Well, that’s not true, no one event can do that to me, but it has definitely contributed hugely to my eating disorder and self harm and negative self talk and guilt and (at times) suicidal thoughts. I wish I could come right out and say what I’m talking about but a) I don’t want the wrong person to read this and b) I’m ashamed, even though people have told me that it’s not really my fault.
I guess I can say that it was a very very bad experience with a “therapist” from my church that really was not a therapist and lied.
Would it be wrong for me talk about it a little on here? I don’t know, I would probably end up deleting it anyways. I’m having a hard enough time writing it down on paper so I doubt that I would have the ability to share it online. In a way, I wish I could expose his lying and manipulative ways so that he can’t do it to someone else. But I would probably just end up embarrassing MYSELF.
Anyways, today has been alright. My little brother is in the hospital for DKA, he has type 1 diabetes as I do, he is a year and a half younger than me. He was REALLY sick, on morphine and oxygen and an insulin drip. It was really scary and frustrating because he is in the hospital in the Dallas area which is not where I live, he goes to school up there. I wanted to be there because I know the most what is going on and about diabetes of anyone in my family! But anyways he is doing better and I think is getting released tomorrow morning.
I drank lots of water today. Lots. Did all my insulin. I feel like a fat fat fatty but I just have to ignore that feeling because I CAN’T go on a diet it will just lead to ED behaviours and I’m not going down that road. End of story.
Wow super long update! Bless you if you read all this :) Love, Amy <3
I have been making real, valid progress in treatment, finally. And you know what? It hurts like hell. Recovery is beautiful and exhilarating but it’s also painful. I am so used to using my self-destructive coping skills- and I have SO many- that it feels like I am crawling out of my skin to NOT use them.
And it’s even harder because talking about traumas and issues in order to resolve them is so very hard but I have no choice because the guilt and pain have been eating me alive for years and years. For me, talking about it is the only way to release the feelings. That’s my work, and it’s unconscionably hard. But it’s the only way I can finally be free.
I have to learn to tell ED to shut up, tell the negative voices to go away, tell the nagging feeling that says that my only way to “deserve” to live is to hurt myself…to get out. I won’t believe the lies anymore, because that’s all they are, lies.
And if God forgives me….I need to forgive myself.
I wish the same hard work for you in your life even if it causes pain because it will ultimately hurt a lot less than the cutting, the burning, the starving, the purging, the insulin restriction, the obsessive thoughts, the substance abuse, the negative self-talk, the self-hatred, the suicidal ideation. We can be free.
I feel really quite depressed tonight. I went out to eat with my sisters and best friend and that’s usually a triggering experience. They’re all like hot and thin and I am the farthest thing from that and it’s just difficult. They also don’t understand about mental illness at all, especially my oldest sister, and she usually ends up saying something that hurts my feelings a lot.
Had a productive but very rough group today because I shared about some of my childhood and past and it’s just always hard to look back like that because I had an unhappy childhood despite having a wonderful family. I feel a lot of guilt because of that.
Started scratching at myself and I seriously need to stop. I’m not sure how I will manage that, but I’m quite sleepy so that may be the solution.
I’m tired. And I can’t explain why yesterday and today were so rough without getting into a lot of different things. Which isn’t going to happen tonight. I just had a couple really strong reaction to triggers that weren’t really anyone’s fault. i.e. crying hysterically and hyperventilating. And then one of the men in the group accused me of “ball-hogging” and making everything about me. But the only reason I was talking more today was because the therapist wanted me to let him know about what he was doing that was triggering me. So he was just pissed at me. So like okay the group is comprised of 4 men in their 50’s and me. (and of course the therapist). So attack me for being scared because of what has happened in the past? Thanks. I have to realize though that I hurt his feelings because he really didn’t do anything wrong per se. And that’s why he wants to start drama I guess.
We did our treatment plans today and I was appalled to find that my GAF, which is basically a chart that measures your level of functionality in life in general on a scale of 1-100, 100 being the best…my GAF is 23. Basically I’m hardly hanging on to functionality. It’s hard because I get told that I’m smart and understand things and motivated and socially aware and whatnot and then I get slapped in the face with how severe my mental illnesses are, combined with my diabetes I suppose. I guess that’s why I was given disability, huh? Thankfully these things are reassessed every so often so it’s not like I’m dysfunctional for the rest of my life (I hope.)
Exhausted. Night night guys. Be strong so you don’t end up like me.
So today hasn’t been very busy. I had church this morning. The lesson was about depression and such and I started sharing and I somehow lost my composure and started bawling. Which was rather embarrassing. The teacher seemed kind of shocked that I have bipolar and such, which truly surprises me because like honestly I’m a hot mess. Anyways, we ended up holding hands and praying at the end and it was sort of a nice moment because another woman was crying as well. Anyways. I’m embarrassed that I lost my composure completely especially because my sister and brother-in-law are in my class and I hate losing it in public in front of my family, if that makes any sense. I tried to act extra brisk and together the rest of the time during church. Like it matters- I don’t think God is really tricked by my acting skills, you know.
That was probably the biggest challenge of my day, being extremely open like that, and a few people hugged me which was a biiig challenge because I just want to cringe away. Which is very wrong of me because they are just trying to offer comfort.But I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin that having anyone else hug me can sometimes feel like my skin is just crawling and I want to run away. I don’t, because I’m working on it. And I only feel that way sometimes. Sometimes I am affectionate- well with certain people. Maybe it has to do with some stuff from my past and my eating disorder; who knows.
My victory was cleaning my room because the depression has rendered me a bit useless up till now- but my room is now impeccable, which truly does help my depression and anxiety. A cluttered room makes me feel even more depressed. Wow, all these insights about my triggers tonight! That’s actually a good thing!
I’m really disappointed that presumably treatment doesn’t start tomorrow after all but I’m going to call La Paz first thing in the morning and be assertive and figure out what the deal is.
Have a picture of me in blue for Diabetes Awareness Month Day 4!
An 18 year old friend who had moved to North Carolina died in a motorcycle accident a couple days ago. He had such a heart for missions and helping others- he was a volunteer firefighter and was on his way to talk to elementary school kids about fire safety when the accident occurred. It’s so sad. :( But I know He’s with the Lord.
Also my little brother and sister saw S. at Fields of Faith, a Fellowship of Christian Athletes event, 2 days ago. What the fuck, where does he get the right to walk around leading a youth group- A YOUTH GROUP- after he nearly ruined my life? I wish I could do something to make sure that he is not able to do that again. I don’t want to ruin his life. But I don’t want him around kids.
I’m frightened but I’m mainly angry. He doesn’t get to ruin my life. I get to experience forgiveness and I won’t self-harm and have an ED forever and I won’t kill myself because of him. I promise. I have a voice. I have a choice. And he deserves forgiveness too, but he still doesn’t admit that he did anything, so that needs to happen. I don’t want him to tell ME. I never want to see him ever again. But he shouldn’t be a youth leader or a counselor. No. WAY.